Indignant, Lonely

Why being an alum seems like a lot of work

I’ve complained a fair amount about the changing culture of my alma mater.  Well, I’m gonna do it again!

I went to a college where the average age of first kiss was probably 18. I went to a college of socially-inept nerds with a hippie side. The freshman were virgins. Always. I loved this school. As our school did away with need blind admissions and spent an exorbitant amount of money on an athletic center, we transformed into a school of preppy athletes. 

Usually it is hard to provide evidence of this culture change because it is gradual and finding tangible evidence that people are douchier now as opposed to then is quite the task, but I have found it. I saw a guy talking to a girl as I was using the college ATM. I am going to list just the things he said, in the order he said them. I know I have it word for word because I was writing on my ATM receipt as he was douchebagging… I mean, talking.

-Hey, lovely.

-Check out my Varsity Shirt.

-Yeah.

-I’m gonna go work on my car for a while.

None of these single phrases is enough to set me aflame (except: “Yeah.”) but together they make my skin crawl and my testicles shrivel in fear. This is not a student of the school I went to. 

This moment coupled with the fact that I went to a comedy show of a troupe that used to be good and saw the most god-awful torture masquerading as comedy and watched the audience go head over heels laughing at jokes like: “I’m Sarah Palin.” and “Hi.” was enough for me to disown my former school.

I’m sure that the class that graduated the year before I got there feels similarly about me, but at least I’m funny looking, these people are really attractive. Fuck that.

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