comedy, Media

New Movies

When Observe and Report came out a friend suggested to me that the big movie production companies had spies that would hear the plot synopses of movies the other companies were coming out with and then would try to beat them to the punch by coming out with the cheesier, more relatable movie: Paul Blart: Mall Cop. This happens all the time fromĀ Armageddon and Deep Impact to Avatar and Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs (they’re both about global warming). I wanted to come out with some cheesy copycat movies and their synopses:

Movie that came out: Precious

Movie that should come out: Valuable starring America Ferrera as the vaguely unattractive, vaguely Hispanic, vaguely poor person. Down on her luck because no one wants to have sex with her except for her creepy dad who keeps impregnating her, Valuable, played by Ferrera, searches for answers at the social work desk. Jayma Mays takes a break from Glee to star as the helpful but quirky social worker who saves Valuable from her crazy, z-snapping, no smack talk taking, very abusive mother played by Mo’Nique. The cast of Soul Plane cameos in this heartwarming tale of learning how to read and not get raped by your relatives.

Movie that came out: No Country For Old Men

Movie that should come out: Bam, Bam, You’re Dead stars Gerard Butler and Rob Schneider as a serial killer and a sales clerk respectively who are stuck in a game of who will shoot last. When Rob’s dog digs up a briefcase in his backyard that contains over $300, he naturally decides to turn it in, but Gerard Butler has other ideas. With his gun made out of an asthma inhaler, Butler chases Schneider all across Santa Cruz demanding he return the money. Funny thing is that is was just a miscommunication and it was a different briefcase, which we find out because Ludacris, as Officer Brumbleberry, comes in last minute showing Butler the money he was missing was in his wallet the whole time.

Movie that came out: There Will Be Blood

Movie that should have come out: Steve Carrell stars as unwitting oil tycoon, David Simplesight, in the coming of age father son movie: Blood Relatives. After Joseph Gordon Levitt moves from the big city to live with his father when his mother dies of cancer and Steve Carrell tries to teach JGL the ropes of oil tycooning. Hilarity ensues as these two find a way to love each other.

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