May 4th – 6:30pm - Pretension is the art of pretending that the new Double Down sandwich from KFC doesn’t sound delicious. I’m not pretentious. I just waited 30 minutes for a Double Down and am currently eating the shit out of it. I also refuse to eat oranges or apples that aren’t organic. I’m still not pretentious.
May 4th – 6:48pm – The Double Down doesn’t come with the paper holder that it shows it with in the commercial. The crispy chicken skin comes off on my skin.
May 4th – 8:10pm – The shit I just took smelled awful. I went to a local restaurant to do my business because I was on my way home and now I feel as though I’ve committed an act of terrorism to the people of Brooklyn. It smelled like a baby had died a week ago by being smothered to death with its own diaper. I left my ipod in my ears to distract myself from the smells and sounds of the shit that slid out way too easily from my rectum. Regrets by Ben Folds was playing.
May 4th – 11:15pm – I’m tired. I think my teeth are tired. Can teeth feel tired? Mine do.
May 5th – 1:18am – I don’t have to wake up tomorrow, so I’m awake and typing. I want to go to sleep but I want to be awake when whatever is molesting the insides of my stomach finally bursts through. I tried to take another shit, but all that came out were gusts of sulfur wind that sounded like a cave being blown into. I still wiped just to be safe.
May 5th – 2:03am – I laughed at something I watched on Hulu and a little salty vomit found it’s way onto my tongue.
May 5th – 8:32am – I woke up to pee to find myself in an accidental dutch oven.
May 5th – 10:28am – I’m awake and my face feels greasy. My shoulder hurts and I keep thinking that my burps are going to alleviate the pain in my stomach but they don’t. I want to poop, but it feels like my intestines are leaking into my kidneys and the poop is having one of those parties you see in commercials where they anthropomorphize things that you put in your body like food and alcohol and show them having a party so that you are annoyed with the things you’ve put in your body and then their product flies down your esophagus in a super-cape and its anthropomorphic being saves the day. I need something that is anthropomorphic and good. This evil shit is partying too hard in my kidneys.
May 5th – 1:03 pm – FINALLY! It took another couple of handfuls of bran cereal to force out the rest of that chicken skin that was lining all of my inner body parts. I’ve been twitching all day. I’m gonna go listen to all the songs I can find with regret in the title. I’m going to stick to the Famous Bowls. That way I can still pretend I’m not pretentious.