Two things have had a huge affect on me recently. I got rejected from sperm donation, and the BET awards were sponsored by KFC.

I got a very cordial letter about how I was rejected because I was too diseased and I wasn’t unique enough. My mom still says I’m special and healthy, so don’t worry about my self-esteem. They did offer me the option of recruiting sperm donations, so I applied to do that. I can’t wait to get rejected from asking others to cum into a cup!

The reason I lump my jizz-rejection with BET’s sponsorship by KFC is because I believe they both symbolize how steeped in stereotyping our society is. When I was channel surfing at my friend’s house while they made themselves dinner for both of us I paused for a second when I saw Magic Johnson talking behind a podium about how much and how little electing a Black president really means. He made some interesting points about how, while this is a huge step – something we can be very proud of – it is also a call to action for the rest of the African American community to not sit idly by hoping that this will change everything. After he finished his speech, I turned to my friend made some crack about his AIDS because I’d rather state something offensive for comedic effect than state something meaningful for thought provoking effect, and then turned back to the TV to hear a stereotypical gangstah rapper voice boldly proclaim: “This BET awards ceremony is brought to you by the delicious taste of KFC. Life tastes better with racism.” I think they may have said KFC instead of racism, but they both mean the same thing, so whatevs.

Of course this is simply capitalism, and capitalism is just a fancy word for “Let’s Stereotype.” Obviously if KFC can convince a race of people that the rest of that race of people all like fried chicken, then they are going to make a bootyload of money. So I can’t blame them for attempting to push a stereotype that already exists to its limit in order to bling-bling it up, and I can’t really blame BET for taking on the sponsorship that offered them the most cash-money, but I can blame our capitalist society for not allowing me to blame either of these organizations.

I can also blame our capitalist society for not giving me a thousand dollars to crank one out into a Dixie cup. The reason I didn’t get accepted is because I don’t have a job like Lawyer, or Doctor, or food service attendant. The reason I didn’t get accepted is because my Grandmother had Alzheimer’s. The reason I didn’t get accepted is because I weight 125 lbs and am 5’9”. I can’t blame the sperm bank for not accepting me; they wouldn’t be able to sell me. I don’t care how barren you are, no woman looks at a doctor and says: “pump me full of the semen of that unemployed scrawny fucktard with the crazy grandma.” But in reality, I’m quite the … ok, so maybe stereotyping works sometime. As much as I’d love to see a school full of Nisse’s playing in the playground by counting the rocks and talking to themselves, I don’t think that if we put it to a vote a majority of people would choose that as our next generation. And in a democracy, Nisse always loses.

I wish I had lived in a socialist dictatorship. Then KFC would be sponsoring VH1’s awards for best 80s hair band hosted by Michael Ian Black, and I would get to impregnate some people. That’s it – capitalism is the reason I can’t get laid. Fuck capitalism.