Lazy, Pathetic, Selfish

Why an injured friend seems like a lot of work

My friend Wes is in the hospital after getting in a pretty bad car accident. He fractured his leg real gross – the bone was sticking out of his leg and ripped through his jeans. I say this because I figure if others have to hear this maybe the picture will be less vivid in my mind. There are a lot of reasons that this is a horrible incident, obviously, but there is also an upside: It has made me more productive.

Since I’m unemployed, I feel obligated to go to the hospital to visit him, which forces me to get up earlier in order to watch all the shows I need to watch online. And, because any time I waste on my computer could be time I spend with him, I play less stupid online games and search for less photos on facebook. Instead what I do is work on my newest project.

I’ve decided that I’m going to write a teen romantic comedy every week. I’m pretty sure I can pull it off (I’m not doing a lot of other things with my time). This started when I watched “John Tucker Must Die” with a friend, then I got in the mood and had a night where I watched “She’s All That,” “Can’t Hardly Wait,” and “10 Things I Hate About You” and had a sleepover because I’m nostalgic for a time when I didn’t have to worry about paying rent and being a productive member of society.

Each movie follows a very simple formula – somebody who isn’t happy in high school, but will probably be happy later on in life wants to do something to make them look back nostalgically to their high school years even if it is just the prom or the last two weeks of school. While this is going on, a cookier person is instigating a plan of their own that parallels the plan of the main person’s. Meanwhile the two most attractive people in school break up even though they are meant for each other (one his liked – one is bitch/asshole), and that sets the whole school into a crazy uproar. Then there is a party or a prom or something which climaxes when the main person gets their plan to work out but feelings somehow get in the way of it following through completely. The cookier person doesn’t quite get their plan to work, but instead gets sex in some zany way. The pretty person you don’t like and the sidekick of the opposite sexed pretty person who is an asshole/bitch get together because they’re both mean. Also no interracial or homosexual shit because that’s gross.

So I’ve been writing my first of those, which is easier than I thought in a lot of ways, but also difficult because I’m only allowing myself the use of “fuck” three times in the movie and “shit” five times.

The other thing I’ve been doing now to keep myself productive and not feel so guilty about my time away from my injured friend is fully inspired by him. He once told me that he spends most of his day at work answering questions on Yahoo Answers about math, physics, computers, and relationships, so I’m taking over. While he’s bedridden I’ve been combing through the questions about probability and calculus and giving detailed answers with all my work shown. I started getting depressed at how often I need to look up something to refresh my memory – considering that I only stopped taking math eight months ago – so I went into the singles and dating section of Yahoo Answers. This is the best way to mash up my two latest interests into one. Each question is a clichéd query from some whiny teen asking if a boy or girl likes them and what they should do about it. Now I’m killing two birds with one stone; I’m using my research on teen movies to respond with the most stereotypical answer that will help out these pathetic teenagers in their quest for true love at age 16.

So, thank you Wes – you’re injury is my productivity. Oh, how guilt drives a man to work.

In related news: I got mad at a blind man because he hit me with his walking stick.

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