There is very little to do in Maine. Thus, I have been watching a fair amount of television. Mostly, this entails all the Charm School my TV can Tivo. The only reason I find it necessary to leave the comforts of my massage chair in my television room is to go to work waiting tables at the only improv club in Maine.
Charm School is possibly the most brilliant television show that has been created in this era of psuedo-reality-tv. The makers of the show took the six drunkest White alcoholics from Rock of Love and the six quickest to anger Black women from Real Chance at Love and put them in the same house. Also they brought in Bubbles. Bubbles is the only White woman from Real Chance at Love on the show, and besides being the dumbest human alive, all of the other women from Real Chance already hate her for being too dumb and White so they start screaming as soon as Bubbles opens her mouth. So, these three groups are segregated by race – Black, White, and Dumb – and then in comes their “saviour:” Ricky Lake.
Ricky Lake’s “job” is to “train” these “women” to stop being such “terrible” people. Obviously the best way to stop someone from rationalizing their behavior is to put them in a house with a bunch of other people who rationalize that same behavior. How does Ricky do this? After providing the house with enough booze to stock six bars, she allows the alcoholic Bret Michaels lovers to drink themselves under a table by 10am. On the pilot episode, Gia was so drunk that by voting ceremony she couldn’t write a name down for who she thought should be voted out of the house and was instead forced to say it out loud (she then accidentally voted for her friend because she “wanted to be together”). Ms. Lake then chides the drunk overprivlidged boob-jobs not for their inability to find worth in themselves without alcohol, or their lack of desire to take responsibility for their own actions but rather for being strippers, porn-stars, and sluts. After the ex-pornstar told Ricky that her latest endeavor into the porn industry was directing in an attempt to empower women in a male dominated world, Ricky told the confessional camera that this pornstar was stupid for thinking that she could empower women through porn.
Then Ricky talks to the Real Chance girls, who, for the most part, are taken aback by the White chicks blatant disregard for their own humanity. Most of the camera shots of these girls involve disgusted/confused looks as drunky-mcwhite’n’blonde throws a glass at a wall, screams, and then jumps into a pool with all her clothes on. Every once in a while the Black women will get angry over something minute that Bubbles did and they will all scream incoherently over each other for a couple of minutes. That’s when Ricky comes in to talk to them. She tells them they are mean and then kicks them off the show because she doesn’t think that Black people can be taught charm. Then the girls claim racism, which the producers try their hardest to make look like silly screams of crazy Black people.
Also on this show are two more judges: a woman named “Lala” and a misogynist radio show host who took this job in an attempt to sleep with as many big-tittied sluts as possible.
So, how does this relate to my employment? Well, these women are all attempting to learn “charm,” something I have to have shooting out of all orifices of my body when I wait tables. While I’m surprisingly good at hiding my jaded sense of cynicism while bringing people drinks, underneath it all I hate all the people I serve. That is “charm.” I don’t think that’s something that should really be taught to these women. These women are not trying to be waitresses, they are simply trying to be respected – and first they need to respect themselves. As a waiter, I can tell you that allowing 16 year olds to flirt with you and laughing at tourists attempts to be funny does not promote self-respect. Luckily I already hate myself too much to lose any self-respect.