I am done working at my improv club. Through my time there I had to keep myself from yelling at the customers by writing what I disliked about my customers on little post-it notes. I kept those on my mirror so that I could wake up and see them to motivate me every day.

Here are all the people I hate:

-People who don’t know what a paleontologist is

-People who wear beret’s without irony

-People who suggest quotes from “Old School” to the improv comedians

-People who laugh because they know the reference even though there was no joke aspect

-People who suggest “lazily” as an adjective

-People who come back to talk to the improvers and brag about their experience doing improv

-People who give suggestions of things that the improvers could do better

-People who have domestic squabbles when I come to the table.

-People who wait to make their decisions until I get there meaning we stand in silence for two minutes waiting for them to order a water.

-JD

-People who defend their suggestions for the show even after the comedians don’t take them

-People who shake my hand

-People who tell me jokes that I can’t hear

-People who ask if it’s wrong that they think boogers are funny

-Children who laugh

-People who laugh by sounding like a sound effect that occurs when you press shift and you are instead holding down the shift key.

-Sports fans of any sort

-People who recognize me because my parents are members of the community and I have to pretend to recognize them as well.

-People whose names of their pets are as original as my stuffed animal names. (e.g. black cat, gray kitty)

-People under 21 trying to get drinks

-People who when asked for a time period like revolutionary war or the 70s, suggest “20 minutes”

-People who suggest “gay” and “horny” multiple times in a show

-That fucking moron on table 8

-People who suggest for a chapter in an instruction manual: “a night of hard drinking” and then talk loudly about how this one time they had a night of hard drinking

-People who are boring

-People who fall for my “the tap water won’t kill you” trick and order bottled water, which makes me feel guilty

-People who have boring lives and go on stage to talk about them

-Adults with braces (gross)

-People who text

-People who leave with their girlfriends to the bathroom

-People who order for their girlfriend by saying “she wants something fruity”

-People who laugh hysterically at the mere mention of a tricycle or the word “penis” – saying “oh my god” after either

-People who say “Oh seriously?”

-People who say they’re not interesting, but…

-People who are cliched

-People whose favorite author is Tucker Max

-People who think yelling “George Bush” as a suggestion is funny

-People whose own suggestions put them into hysterics

-Pretty 16 year olds who have crushes on me that make me uncomfortable

-People who lean back when I come close

-People who get uncomfortable when asked about their day around the time in the day when he cheated on his wife

-People who leave halfway through the show and leave a $1 tip

-Jews who are mad at my self deprecating joke about my bad Judaism

-People who don’t laugh at my jokes

-People who think when we ask for a couple of words to describe someone in their party, laugh hysterically to prove that that’s a hilarious question

-People who tell their orders to each other instead of to me

-People who come in groups of 13 and order nothing

-People who ask where their diet cokes are one minute after they ordered

-People who are return customers and expect me remember them

-People who, after being warned that I am coming to them for drink order, spend their time in front of me staring at a menu and mumbling that they may or may not want a water

-People who look confused by the entrance of a waiter into their midst and get annoyed that somebody might want to serve them a drink

-Pretty people

-People who remind me of my ex-girlfriends and therefore make me stumbly and awkward

-People who think that “Apple” is an adjective

-People who would be bad at mad libs in general

-People, who when asked for a completely original title of a play for them to perform, give a title of a play that already exists so that they can prove they are cultured

-People who’s answer to “and did you have breakfast?” is “um… yes.”

-People who gesture w/ beer.

-People who play on their video games pre-show

-People who text during the show

-Foriegners

-People who don’t clap when everyone else is clapping

-People who suggest “A dingo ate my baby” when asked for a subject to be an expert in

-People who suggest “A dingo ate my baby” ever

-People who suggest “Texas Hold-em” as a chapter heading for an instruction manual

-People who explain their entire day as “I woke up, had a hangover, and I worked that off and came here.”

-Couples where the husband drunkenly yells inappropriate things and wife shushes him

-People who say they are embarrassed about their kids in front of their kids

-Kids at improv clubs

-People who make out in front of their waiter

-TJ

-People who think they are making jokes but they are really making me hate them

-People who have large star earings and died red hair and say “I like everything”

-Super animal lovers

-People who find beauty in anything  they see

-People who say “OMG I hate air mattresses”

-People who say “I can’t eat anything” (that’s a lie)

-I hate this dumb bitch.

-I hate her

-Dumb people who hate fat people

-15 year old girls who listen to their ipod through my ordering session

-People who have family arguments in front of me

-People who apologize for their children

-Pretentious wine drinkers

-People who name their fish “Fishy”

-People who laugh about their completely original saying: “They who smelt it, dealt it.”

-Peope who hold both of each other’s hands throughout a show

-People in love

-16 yr olds who flirt with me because I look safe.

-Her older friend who is hotter and cooler looking but refuses to acknowledge my existence

-People who when asked what the last book they read was: scream loudly and look around to see who’s impressed by the title: “Heartwrenching Work of Staggering Genius.”

-Physists who make me feel guilty that I abandoned my math major after college

-People who scream “foreskin” in the middle of a show

-People I knew in high-school

-People with backwards baseball caps

-People who meekly try to sort of clap along with a song and then fail and feel embarassed

-People who get so drunk I have to force water upon them

-People who refuse to drink the water