So, again I got distracted from attempting to write something creative by the creative news journalism of Glenn Beck. I will now analyze quotes from yesterday’s episode of Glenn Beck’s American Patriot Freedom Show of Liberty and Goodness.

1. “If you are Glenn Beck and you’re in Harlem and someone taps you on the shoulder and someone says; ‘Mr. Beck, excuse me.’ You tend to think; ‘uh oh, I might be in trouble.'”

This is coming from the same guy who asked Keith Ellison to prove to him that he was not working with the enemy because he was Muslim, and the same guy who said he doesn’t have a lot of black friends because he’s scared he might offend them. This is also someone who uses MLK Jr.’s face and quote to start off after every commercial break. I understand that Glenn Beck doesn’t see himself as a racist because he thinks all races should be treated equally, but you must act the way you think Sir Beck. Treating Blacks with fear and disgust isn’t the same as dragging them behind your car and not letting them into your schools, but they come from the same emotion.

My biggest irrational fear is drive by shootings. I don’t get more scared of them when I’m walking alone in Harlem or Brownsville (a place I am literally the only White person on the streets) instead of the Macalester Groveland community or Park Slope. I just have a fear of drive by shootings. The reason is that it seems like the worst way to die. You are walking along thinking about who won’t sleep with you or why you ate that 3rd donut and all of a sudden you flash out of existence without any knowledge of why or by whom’s hand. I like to understand the circumstances surrounding every conclusion and in those final minutes I would no nothing, and I would realize I have no possibility of every finding out. That’s the scariest thing in the world to me. I’m scared of dying without knowing something. Beck on the other hand is scared of dying because of something he “knows.” He is scared of something insane and then uses death to explain why his fear exists, whereas I am scared of death and use something insane to explain why that fear exists.

2. After “uncovering” the hypocrisy of Al Gore’s meat eating ways (because gasses caused by cows a the biggest component causing global warming) and the money he’s made from being the figurehead of the environmental movement. “I am the most enthusiastic capitalist since Adam Smith… If I could advertise on this third chin, I would… But a money making scam cloaked in phony righteousness, lies and, quote-unquote, ‘solutions’ that will cost our entire economy, not really cool with that.”

Never before have I laughed out loud with the wide-eyed astonishment at a more obviously hypocritical statement then when Glenn Beck attempted to condemn someone else for profit seeking, fake indignance. Instead of explaining why this is so hypocritical or give evidence to back up this claim because it is too easy, I will tell a story.

On our way to McDonalds at 1am, I sat in the back of the van waiting for my chance to order a McChicken and whatever Mickey’s new attempt at a health-option was. My two friends in the middle seat were discussing the possibility of creating a weekly workout routine. They turned to the back and asked if I wanted to join. “No, I don’t want to get ripped, that would ruin my image.” was my immediate reply. I have a strong self-awareness of the person I seem to be to others and parts of that I love and parts of it I hate. Mostly the parts I love are the parts that allow me to be a victim. Glenn Beck is the only person I’ve ever seen able to be both self-deprecating and have a complete lack of self-awareness. Typically when one analyzes the shit out of oneself, one focuses on the flaws. Glenn Beck goes the opposite way and makes up flaws and then through that he assumes that he has self analyzed.

My conclusion is that Glenn Beck starts at conclusions and then finds evidence to back up those solutions, whereas I am the bringer of logic and goodness and start with evidence in order to lead to a solution.

Did you really think that this wasn’t gonna turn into a diatribe about myself?