Horny, Selfish

A New System

I like to dance. I dance when I find myself on a side street by myself. I dance when I make myself oatmeal in the morning. I dance on the graves of the poor. The problem arises when I dance at a “club” or “bar” or “place where you are supposed to dance.” At these places dancing is put second behind attempting to check if doggie-style with this person you just met is worthwhile without taking off clothing. I’m not saying I dislike the arf-arf. What I am saying is that I don’t know how to transform a grind session into the same thing on my bed without my polyester pants in between our genitals, and that makes me want to dance.

If I just dance, I’m getting to shake my arms and legs in inappropriate fashions while people watch. That’s fun. If I’m forced to gyrate my hips in sync with another person, then I am forced to begin thinking about when I should tell her my name, when I should give her my phone number, if I should drag her out of this techno basement to go home with me, if she can tell I’m sporting an erection. All of these things distract me from fully committing myself to the dance – fully committing myself to being a one man show of flailing limbs.

I don’t want to insult this girl by pushing her body away from mine so that I have room to perform my mix of ska, salsa, and booty shaking because I probably would let her vagina hug my penis and I therefore would like her to understand that in case she feels similarly, but at the same time I’m bored of the feel of her jean-laden ass pushing up against my crotch. I have a cell phone in my pocket and she probably thinks I have a forked penis. That can’t be comfortable for her. I wish there were a way to tell her that I am interested in sleeping with her, but not in following the societally accepted format with which to indicate that I am interested in sleeping with her. I’m coming up with one.

Next time you are getting your groove down on the dance floor and some fly honey (in a gender neutral sense of the word) starts trying to put their genitals near your genitals, poke their belly button with both of your thumbs. If they poke back then you two can just leave and get to the fun part of sex: sex. If they don’t, then you know that they aren’t down for getting down in bed and would like to keep any contact strictly on the dance floor. Then I can leave and not waste my evening.


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