I don’t know how quickly my body deals with food, but I ate a bite of a bran muffin only to have to take an immediate shit. I have mixed feelings about large, open bathrooms. I like the space because even if I’m on a jerky train out to Long Island the size of my stall makes me fell like a king who has room to spare even in his poopiest hour. The fact that I was excreting bran muffin made the openness uncomfortable as I was unable to truly utilize the floor in front of me – I can’t pace or do jumping jacks while dribbling out some poo. Soon I started imagining someone else using the space I was leaving unused. My imaginary bathroom friend made me self-concious about the sounds, sights, and smells that I was making during this should-be-private activity. And while he was pacing back and forth, discussing our military strategy for defeating our alien intruders from our snow fort, all I could think was how mad I was for needing to multitask. Really pooping should not be a multitask activity. This is coming from a man who did most of his high-school homework on the can – a guy who has made dinner for himself only to set up a table in front of the toilet for instant ironic snacking. When I say multitask I mean specifically that it should not involve another person. For me, most people that I interact with are imaginary anyway, so those self-created-conversations are what I refer to when I discuss the pain of conversing on the throne.

I like to articulate my points with gesticulation and I like the opportunity to leave the room if my discussion-mate becomes too boring. Babies are constant feces multitaskers. They don’t mind staring at you and taking a dump while they walk the premises to check for shiny things. That’s because they get to have their toilet strapped around their waist. Sure this means that their waste is also trapped around their waist, but at least their good at the poop’n’discuss. They can gesticulate or find a new room to chill in mid-dump. I want that. Potty training was the most useless education I’ve ever received – and I took a psychology class in college.