Ever want to rant like Glenn Beck? Well now you can, with my Glenn Beck mad lib. Just like real madlibs it won’t make sense, but then again, neither do his supporters. This is a literal quote from one of his supporters on his own show about what the passing of health care means to the tea party protests: “I think the veil has been taken away and it’s been set on fire.” I don’t understand what any of that means, and neither does the guy who said it. Anyway, here you go:

Good evening America. I welcome you and, and I think that today is important, I mean that today’s show is really important for you because this __(Issue in the news)__ is about to destroy America. We’ve been doing research all morning, I just found out that, and we’ve been on the internet all day, I just found out that we’re being run by __(socialists/communists/maoists/minorities)__. I know it sounds crazy. They’re going to say “Glenn Beck you’re a __(random string of letters in a funny voice)__.”

Well, maybe I am, but if I am then how come nobody tells me I’m wrong.

We hear everyday from the __(Media/Elite/Jews)__ that everybody thinks I’m wrong with my crazy ideas, but let’s look at the facts.

I was gonna show you what’s behind this __(Opaque object)__ today, but I just got so scared after what I’ve been reading. You know, I didn’t know this before today, but I was on the internet reading about __(Latest Democrat in the News)__ and do we not see, America, who this person is?! You know I have __(kids/a tractor/a love of Christ/alcoholism)__ and they/it told me __(folksy words that don’t make sense)__. Now I.. (become overwhelmed by emotion and look at a spot down and to the right of the camera). (With newfound energy) I just don’t want that America to disappear, and I think that if we allow __(latest Democrat in the News)__ to continue __(being in office/living/raping our children)__, then that America won’t exist for my __(kids/tractor/brothers in Christ/alcoholism)__.

As I said, there was something important behind this __(opaque object)__, and I really wanted to show you it today, but I can’t in good conscience let this go after I found it out. I need to let the American people know. Let’s just start… can we play that clip of __(latest dem)__? (Roll clip of democrat talking about sharing/civil rights/a fun story of a time they were at college/how they don’t believe in lighting poor people on fire). Now I watched this and I thought __(Huh?/What?/Funny face)__. That sounds a lot like __(Mao/Marx/Hitler/Genghis Kahn/Roger the Rabbit/Patient Zero of the HIV virus)__. So I went searching and it turns out that this politician once __(passed tense activity)__ with __(professor at elite school that “real” people don’t go to)__ and were quoted as saying that “they liked the thought process of (ellipses that cuts out real meaning behind quote) __(philosopher only philosophy majors study)__.” You know who that is? Of course you don’t because your not __(sounds like a frog gets lodged in your windpipe while making googly eyes)__.

The thing is they are __(Communist/Socialist/Marxist/Fascist/Hetronormative(jk))__. These “progressives” as they call themselves think they know what to do with your __(money/time/life/penis)__. Well America, we can’t let them anymore. We can’t let them tell us what to do with our __(money/time/penis)__! I need you to go outside and tell them because they won’t listen, just tell them that you should have a voice in what happens with your __(money/penis)__! Tell them that this is America and in America we get to choose what we do with our penis!

I’m sorry. I just. I just love my penis sooo much. And I fear for it.

I was doing research through the __(socially funded institution)__ and I found out what they don’t want us to know. When the writers of our constitution wrote our constitutions  they wrote that they hated socially funded institutions.  I talked about this on my radio show and I will talk about it again on my tv show tomorrow, but how do we get away from this __(Maoist/Marxist/Rapist of America)__? We get out of it by buying __(sponsor’s product)__.  You see if we all buy _(sponsor’s product)__ then we’ll all have a little piece of – you know I was talking to __(white person’s name)__ and he told me – Oh no! I know that people will be playing this over and over calling me __(a racist/violent/a fucknugget)__ – I just think that all __(politicians/democrats/non white people)__ are trying to kill __(children/the elderly/your mother)__. Now they’re gonna say, (in a Russian Kermit voice) “but Glenn you don’t have any evidence.”

OK. So, I don’t. But the constitution says that I get to call people liars if I disagree with them. And it says that my penis is big, so that must be true too. Because I said it.