I enter nearly every bodega nowadays. It’s because it’s 100 degrees nowadays. It’s because bodegas are filled with cold drinks nowadays. It’s because I like fun drinks.

When I was in college, one “event” we used to do would be to “go get fun drinks.” This involved trips to the Tea Garden or SA (bodega of the midwest) and having long staring sessions with coolers that had more colors than Joseph marching in a gay pride parade on Rainbow Road. I would finally decide on a bright color that had the most fruits listed in a row and take my first sip only to realize that I just got the same shitty sugar water I got last time with different packaging.

I got an orange Gatorade the other day. Who made that? That shit is worse than Cheeseburger Doritos. Take something that is somewhat necessary in this heat when I am constantly dehydrated and then give it a nice semen dripping out of asshole taste. Fuck the inventor of that flavor (Cheeseburger Doritos are bad by the way because they taste exactly like a cheeseburger made into a Dorito).

Why do I always make the wrong choice? Because there isn’t a good choice. All the good choices were taken away because they weren’t profitable. Fuck capitalism. It’s the reason we have so much shit food that makes me shit food. It makes wiping feel like some sort of chore because meals just exited my rectum. It makes me need to shower just to clean it up.