Two things were said at work today that made me laugh out loud (or lorfl as the kids are saying).

One was by a customer as she was discussing the validity of giving her 2 year old soymilk: “I think my kid will drink anything white and creamy.”

One was said by a coworker: “My muffin is too big and dry.” (She’s 18)

There was one sleepover in high school where my friends and I made a pact that we would never stop thinking farts were funny. Farts are funny. They aren’t the funniest thing in the world, but ignoring the humor in the fact that you just made a musical sound by blowing poop particles out of your body is annoying and stupid.

Maturity is a dumb concept. Maturity is what people who don’t have fun claim they have instead. Maturity doesn’t really exist. These are my three feelings on maturity. Maturity isn’t a social construct and that is part of the problem. There is no real definition of maturity that we can all follow – instead we each have our own definitions that we hold others to. Some people define maturity as getting a stable job and place to live, some as doing lots of drugs, some as having a good relationship with your parents. All of these are the right definition .. for each person individually – you cannot force someone into your little box of maturity.

Plus, striving for maturity is stupid. Why? Why would you want to aspire towards death. The only commonly recognized definition of maturity is that you have more of it as you get older, so wanting maturity is the same as wanting to be old – wanting to be closer to death. Fuck death. Fuck being close to death. Fuck maturity.

I tend to see people defining maturity as them overcoming the struggles they dealt with during puberty. When I was going through puberty, I kept telling myself that it would all be over and I would be happy soon. In other words, my problem was that I lied to myself a lot as a child. Therefore I think of maturity as being honest and being willing to admit defeat. My penchant for childish jokes tends to get me in trouble when I teach children because I am supposed to be a “role model.”

I am being a role model for children. Because I don’t want to be mature. Because I don’t want to die. Children shouldn’t have to want to die. They should want to drink my semen.