What would it be like to take a bath in Indian food?

I always thought the Grinch was misunderstood – the story was depressing to me because an interesting person became monotonous and un-unique.

T-shirts make really decent towels.

I like using exciting adverbs to accent dull adjectives. I find it awesomely reasonable.

What about a reversible fedora?

The realization that you are going to have a sore throat is way worse than the actual sore throat.

I love hating individual minutes.

Why didn’t we breed really big dogs so that we could ride them?

I don’t say “Merry Christmas.” It doesn’t mean I’m offended when you wish me “Merry Christmas,” it just means that I don’t want you to be offended when I don’t reciprocate.

I am offended by “Happy Holidays.”

If I were to have a threesome with any male and female from history the male would be Jesus so that I didn’t seem so skinny and he would be generous.

Everybody wants me to buy boots. I want everybody to deal with cold ankles better.

I keep meaning to rank spices, but instead I do other things.