Death, My favorites, Nostalgia

I Hate Age – Specifically Having More of It

As I waited for my parents to get back from their journey to the airport buffet, the child behind me didn’t have to wait alone while his parents made him watch the bags. Mostly because he was 4 years old and his parents couldn’t legally or morally leave him alone.

“Let’s tell the funniest jokes!”

Despite our 20 year age difference we wanted the same thing.

“What did the parrot say to the banana!?”

What? What? Holy shit, please tell me!

“The um… he… um said.. um… You’re not a banana!”

Fuck me! Yes! You are correct in laughing hysterically at your own joke and your mom is a dumb bitch for saying “oh that’s just silly.” “Just” is the worst word.

“Knock, knock.”

OMG, you have more?! Please, continue.. I mean, I have a book of knock, knock jokes at home, but I’m sure yours are better, oh.. Look at me. I’m rambling.. I mean: Who the fuck is there?


Good start.  I agree with your methods. Don’t think of an ending, just think of the coolest word you can say and then more cool words will come.

“You have to say ‘Dinosaur who?’!”

Oh, right. Dinosaur who?

“Dinosaur… um… on top of your head!”

Exactly! Perfect!

Oh, shit. Now your stupid Swedish dad wants to tell a joke.

“What did the one tomato say to the other tomato that got run over and squashed by the truck”

Holy shit, could you use any more unnecessary words. And we get it, something about how ketchup sounds like catch up.. oh, you’re actually going to finish this joke.

“C’mon, let’s go, ketchup.”

Ugh, you fucked up the punch line too. You said ketchup with the wrong intonation and it really didn’t make sense. Wait. Stop laughing. Your jokes were better than your dad’s. Don’t laugh at that. Don’t give him the satisfaction.

“What did the one tomato say to the two tomatoes that were squashed and run over?!”

Yes, good idea. Show up your dad by increasing the number of tomatoes. Show up daddy!

“C’mon, let’s go!”

Perfect! Antijoke! Undidjoke! Perfect joke!

No! Stop explaining to him what he did wrong. He didn’t do anything wrong. He only did right things. You were wrong. His joke was better.

He was having fun and isn’t fun all that we should be living for? That wasn’t rhetorical. I want it to be rhetorical.

Later I saw two adults walking past a toy store. One toy had fallen out of a bin and made its way to the floor. The first adult accidentally kicked the toy. It started to sing. For a brief moment a smile crept over her eyes, but her mouth stayed in surprised disgust. “Ew, toys” it said, lying. She had a chance to kick the toy again. A chance to have fun again.

She didn’t.

I wanted to yell out “Let’s tell the funniest joke!”

I didn’t.


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