I was supposed to shave yesterday. And do my laundry. Shave and do my laundry. So, I woke up around 10am, meaning I got out of bed around 2pm. I had to go online and watch Bromance and Lost, which I was a fan of since the beginning when it was called Alias, and then I had to play a game of Madden on my computer. Then after that busy start to the day, I realized that I had three new emails to respond to. I replied to two of them – the one from the tutoring agency I work for seemed like I would have to think in order to form a response – then I got out of my room. It’s a good thing that my computer cord reaches my bed otherwise my life would be really difficult.
I took a shower then looked in my fridge for something to eat. None of my food stood out as being that appealing, so I decided that I was going to go out to eat. The problem was that I was too hungry to wait for food from a restaurant – it was 2:30 and I hadn’t eaten yet. So I snacked. After downing half a bag of chips, a third a package of crackers, a few gulps of soymilk, and a piece of bread, I was ready to hit the town. I was wearing shirt with a soy sauce stain on it from a month ago and my boxers had a huge hole in them, but neither were noticeable as long as I covered them up. I put on my hoodie and some pants and went to the closest restaurant. I would have gotten pity from homelessmen the way I looked and smelled, but I wasn’t trying to sleep with anybody on this excursion, so I didn’t have to worry about my appearance.
Asking for seating for one at a restaurant is never a comfortable experience. I’ve learned to bring something to write in; otherwise all you can do is look around and watch people pity you as they think you’ve been stood up. I was squirming in my seat, trying to manipulate my head so that my eyes were in line with the shadow formed by the bar in the middle of the window, therefore avoiding staring directly into the sun, when the waitress came over to my table and told me it would be fine for me to move to the other side of the table. “meh.. I guess.” I didn’t want to be insulting and not take her advice, but I wasn’t minding the sun in my eyes – it at least provided me with a game to play with myself and occupy my time.
I ordered my meal of two appetizers and opened my notepad. Just then, I saw some friends walk in and sit down three tables over. They didn’t see me.
I was caught. I should say hi, but then they’d realize that I went to a restaurant at 4:30pm to eat breakfast by myself in dirty clothes. If I fully committed to not talking to them though, I’d have to worry about them seeing me, and pay attention to where they were looking all dinner, and try to act surprised if they did see me, and that seemed like a lot of effort. I went over begrudgingly, hoping they would say something dumb, like “we’re having girl time” so that I wouldn’t be allowed to sit with them, but that was not the case.
I sat idly while they chit-chatted about boring college kid stuff, and then said my goodbyes and escaped for home. Finally I would do my two chores. First I had to check my email and play another game of Madden to get psyched for laundry-and-shave time. I did both and then I realized that since I was on my computer already I should use this opportunity to look for jobs. I went on craigslist to search for something to apply to and found this http://minneapolis.craigslist.org/mis/1020089524.html
While I hadn’t found a job, I had found an activity. This Whole Foods is right next door, and I had to figure out who the tall, curly haired, really beautiful dude with glasses is. I made a second expedition into the cold in my oversized hoodie and mildly stained khakis that I was wearing for the 10th day in a row. I didn’t find him, but I did find free cheese samples. My plan is to now spy on him until I see the way short brunett with the dimpled cheeks. My assumption is that she’s ugly – pretty people don’t use dimples as their one show-off adjective. The way craig’s list ads work, people always use three adjectives to describe themselves. The first two are actual descriptions so that you can recognize each other, and the third is your “show-off adjective.” One where you describe some part of your body that is favorable so that you are not only remembered, but remembered favorably.
For example, if I were to write a missed connection, I would describe myself as medium height, skinny with beautiful blue eyes. I would not say, the much more descriptive: Scrawny as fuck, jewy nose and big ears.
Here’s a little translation for what “show-off adjectives” really mean:
Busty – fat
Voluptuous – fat
Curvy – fat
Nice body – flat
Cute smile – doesn’t have a lot going for them
Muscular – fat
Lean – scrawny
Ripped – crosseyed
Thick juicy cock – one testicle is significantly larger than the other
Beautiful blue eyes – doesn’t have a lot going for them
My trip to Whole Foods had not been a success, but at least now I could do my laundry and shave. When I got back home, I saw that somebody had posted a link on my facebook wall. http://xkcd.com/540/ So I had to check that out. If you’ll notice on this comic, one of the bases has a list of binary numbers. Knowing this webcomic was created by someone who actually is a computer science nerd, I assumed that there was some secret message encoded in the binary digits. Figuring that out was going to be way more interesting than my laundry or getting rid of the prepubescent scraps of beard that were clinging to my face. I searched for an ASCII code translator and used an excel sheet to add up the digits before I found out that it did indeed say “base 2.” Very clever because binary is in base 2 and it was about 2nd base. Very clever indeed.
That was a productive day. Maybe I didn’t shave or do my laundry, but I did meet with associates, spy on a mark, and decode a message. JJ Abrams should produce my life.