You may have noticed that my name is now h2money. This is not an original name. Senior year, I was leaving a party during the winter. I couldn’t find my jacket. So I took the coolest looking warm article of clothing I could find. Everybody had left the party already so I figured my makeshift jacket belonged to someone who lived at the house, so I could just return it the next day. What I took was a gray hoodie with the symbols H2$ in green on the front. On the sleeve it says Bud Trump. When I went to return it, nobody claimed ownership, so it is now mine. H2$ has now become my rapping alter ego.

I have been wearing this hoodie everyday for the past three weeks. It’s warm and comfy. Also, hoodies hide your face. Which is very useful when you haven’t shaved in two weeks and then you try to shave with your disposable, one-blade razor and you cut the shit out of your neck because it’s hard to shave around an Adam’s apple that protrudes as if an actual apple were stuck in your throat, and because you are tired of bleeding so much and you’re frustrated with the fact that your razor is now just spreading cut hair to other parts of your face, you decide to make shaving a two day job and leave chunks of hair protruding from your chin in awkward spots because it doesn’t really matter that you look gross because it’s not like you have a job to go to or a girlfriend to bone or friends to hang out with or happiness to enjoy.

That was yesterday. I’m not gonna shave today. That seems like a wasted effort. I’m going to wait to shave properly when I have reason. The same goes for changing my sweatshirt. Reasons I will shave or change clothes:

1) A job interview

2) A date

3) That’s about it

In a month when I smell like I’m wearing a poo wrapped in wet dog, have long whiskers dangling from my jawline, and am masturbating to distract myself from the fact that I can’t pay rent, I’ll think back to this day and I will remember it fondly. Why will I remember it fondly? Because today I went outside in my hoodie, and in a month I will not feel comfortable showing my face to people I pass on the street so I probably won’t even do that. At least I can still imagine being lazier. That’s a good sign. I got something to strive for.