Lazy, My favorites, Pathetic

Why eating seems like a lot of work

I have this addiction. I’m addicted to food and rent. It’s really a bummer for the wallet so I’ve been trying to cut back recently. Obviously not on food or rent because I way 124 lbs, so anorexia isn’t really an option, and hard as I try to not pay rent, I just can’t kick the habit. The thing I can do is cut back on how much I spend on my addictions.

Rent is sort of a flat fee, but I only have to do that payment once a month. So how do I save money the rest of the month? Let me count the ways! Or just explain to you different things I do.

Two of my roommates are master dumpster divers. They are incredible. They come home with $100 hams, boxes of fruit, cartons of asparagus, and more bagels than all of Jew York each week. I can’t do that. It’s not because I’m better than that food – I am not – it just takes too much work. Maybe I’ll go out with them sometime, but for now it seems easier to sit on my computer watching “Lie to Me” instead of putting on pants so that I can rummage for cheese that ain’t too moldy. I do my own form of dumpster diving – I call it: “being a dumpster-mooch.” This involves alternately staring into the fridge and freezer making groaning noises and talking about how I don’t know what I want to eat. If I do this when my roommates are out cooking food, they’ll offer me one of their aforementioned free bagels or some fruit. As long as I keep stocked up on peanut butter then I can survive off of that.

Peanut butter is also a staple. Peanut butter has protien. It is also very easy to put on shit. Or spoon into your mouth. The thing is, I’m not just into eating cheaply – anybody can do that – I’m into eating lazily. This takes true skill. Anyone can cook a nice spagetti dinner by making their own sauce from diced tomatos and cheap pasta for a $1.50, but it takes true talent to wait until you’re on the verge of eating your hand because getting up felt like a lot of work before you go to make food, then realize that you don’t have time to wait for something to cook so you smear peanut butter on a corn tortilla and then pour some cereal on it for some added crunch for a meal that costs about $1. I want to present my list of foods for the poor and lazy. These meals all cost less than $3 and take less than 5 minutes to make.

1. Cereal w/ soymilk. Don’t get a bowl or a spoon, both of those things will have to be cleaned, you don’t need to put that kind of effort into meal time. Just grab a handful out of the box and chug from the carton. To make this even cheaper, buy a really cheap crappy cereal that has no real sustenance. Obviously you don’t want to eat that though, so mix it with your more expensive/reasonable cereal. Then you get the taste of the good cereal, but it lasts you longer.

2. Pizza (sort of). Buy a big can of diced tomatoes, they’re not that expensive. Get a cheap cheese. Get some corn tortillas (they’re cheapest). After 45 seconds in the microwave you’ve got a meal. If you want to go all out, find something in your fridge that you like and make it into a topping – suggestions: crushed pineapple, curry, peanut butter, Parmesan peppercorn dip.

3.  Yogurt. Don’t be a hero. You can get a good sized thing of yogurt for under $3. That’s like 4 meals right there. And you only have to dirty one spoon.

4. Spaghetti Dinner. This one takes a little more work. But if you boil the water in time then you can just throw the pasta in. Once that’s out you don’t need to make a sauce – ketchup’s fine. And ketchup’s cheap. But if you want to make it fun pasta, just empty your spice rack onto the pasta too. 

Now you have 4 different very easy to make meals. That’s enough variety. You don’t need to go out and buy eggs, or raw vegetables, or bread, or oil, or soy sauce, or whatever because all of those things are usually involved in a chore – like cooking.


5 thoughts on “Why eating seems like a lot of work

  1. Wolverine says:

    This is matthew not the real wolverine. Reading your post titles is a lot of work. I think that for one week, two if it goes well, you should write your posts as if you were Jim Carrey in the Truman Show and just starting to realize you are in a show. not literally as him, as you in your own life.

  2. Liz says:

    They are master freegans. Over the summer they came home with these giant boxes of almost-spoiled plums and I made pie. They also brought home almost $200 worth of fruit once. It’s impressive. You should probably learn from them…or get a job, either one.

  3. Ben says:

    peanut butter on a spoon. sometimes with choclate chips studded in it. peanut butter on a spoon is dangerous sometimes because I get too greedy and it falls off. Sometimes I do it when I come home after a long night and have impaired motor skills. Once I did that, dropped peanut butter on my desk and on the ground, dutifully cleaned it up, and then found more of it in the morning: on the cap of my pen and in my hair.

  4. Pingback: Why 50 blog posts seems like a lot of work « what it be, Bitches!

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