Last night I bought a pint of Ben and Jerry’s Americone Dream (sponsored by Stephen Colbert) and sat on my creaky chair that rolls backwards because of the slant in my room’s floor watching Jim Gaffigan’s stand up. It was the comedian’s reaction to being broken up with by a boy. The problem was, I hadn’t been broken up with. I was simply bored.
I don’t think that heartbreak exists – or at least not how most people assume it does. Heartbreak to me is simply the realization that you are soon to be bored. When you are broken up with, your first question is: What am I going to do without them? That’s because we don’t know what we are going to do. What could we possibly occupy our time with if not with that person that we’ve spent the last 2-24 months calling, visiting, and fucking.
So our initial reaction is boredom. Boredom to the XTREME!
Why do we react by eating a pint of haagen dazs or a whole cheesecake? Because if you’ve eaten multiple pounds of pure dairy then your body refuses to allow you to move, thus you can blame your body instead of yourself for being to lazy to go out and dance, or walk your dog, or go to work. Why do we watch shitty shallow movies? Because then you’re completing a task that nobody can expect you to get up in the middle of – even if that task is watching someone else perform a task. Why do we sit on the couch masturbating? Masturbation is just the lazy person’s version of getting some.
Next time some girl/guy breaks it off with you, and you spend the rest of the day watching Hugh Grant movies and eating Phish Food, realize that you’re not heartbroken, you’re just lethargic.
When was the last time you heard of someone being told: “It’s not you, it’s me” and their reaction was to complete a model plane, write a novel, and apply for a new job? Never. Why? Because we’re all really lazy, and we’ll take any excuse we can to act that lazy. Heartbreak just happens to be the one excuse that our society has come to accept.
So, I’ve decided that I’m not a sloth – I’m just constantly heartbroken. The reason I can’t get out of bed in the morning: Some girl stomped all over my feelings. The reason I eat ice cream for breakfast: I miss her and wish she hadn’t pissed on my emotions. The reason I’ve worn the same clothes for four days straight: I can’t look at a new pair of clothes without thinking of her taking a dump on my soul.
Now that I’ve got all my excuses lined up, I’m ready to tackle the world; one jar of peanut butter at a time.