Horny, Lazy, Lonely

Why hornyness seems like a lot of work

Boredom creates a cycle – a self fulfilling sin, if you will.

What happens when one is bored? One masturbates. If one is me, one masturbates roughly three times a day. What happens when one masturbates roughly three times a day? One becomes unmotivated to get laid because, were it to be a possibility, it seems like it take a lot of effort. If one has no motivation to get laid, one has no motivation to go out with friends or wear clean underwear. So boredom breeds boredom.

The other day, I had a hotttt bus driver. That usually oximoronic statement was made even more prevalent because of the fact that I was forced toward the front of the bus and was posed staring directly at her delicious thighs as the bus jumped and jolted it’s way down University Ave. Near my stop, I was told to: “Scooch” by a man who had come up from the back of the bus. He mumbled something to the hottie with the wheel, she turned gave him the once over and said “sure” through over exaggerated chews of her gum. He pulled out a piece of paper with a phone number written on it, gave it to the bus-babe, she pocketed it and he exited.

He obviously doesn’t masturbate roughly three times a day.

How does one do that? How does one gain the confidence to hand over a phone number to a bus driver? It’s through having shit to do. If I had shit to do, I wouldn’t crank it all the time, and if I didn’t crank it all the time, I would have to entertain my sexual desires through other methods and then maybe I’d be propositioning transit workers. Probably not. But maybe I’d be wearing clean underwear.

That’ll be my goal: do enough stuff that it becomes worth it to wear clean undergarments.


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