I remember one night, I was up with my friends playing Bevis and Butthead Do America on our Sega Genisis and one of my friends farted. We all laughed, had a farting competition and then sighed. We were seniors in High School. One of them turned to me and said: “I hope that that never stops being funny.”

Now, I don’t think that farting is quite as funny now, but I’m going to go through a list of things I hope to never do, no matter how much I grow up.

1) I hope I never feel the need to make my bed.

2) I hope I never feel disgusted by the fact that there are multiple pairs of sweaty socks in my bed because when I go to sleep I am too lazy to take them off and put them in the appropriate receptacle. 

3) I hope I never stop being fascinated by my boner.

4) I hope I never stop overreacting when I run into an object or trip over an object.

5) I hope I can always watch slow motion video for hours at a time.

6) I hope I never stop ranking everything.

7) I hope I never find love.

8 ) I hope I can always make a meal out of spaghetti, black beans, and curry powder.

9) I hope my clothing wardrobe never exceeds $200.

10) I hope I never have a career.

One thing I had to do today that was gross was plunge my toilet after I took a shit. What made it grosser was the fact that I was cooking lunch at the time and had to eat lunch directly afterward. Speaking of gross shit (LITERALLY!!!), I see a lot of women I would like to bone during the day, but sometimes I think that I’d like to bone them, and then they prove me wrong with something they are wearing or… well here’s the list of things that I have discovered post-me-thinking-they-were-attractive that have then made me feel dirty.

1) A wheelchair.

2) Braces.

3) A McCain-Palin button.

4) A penis. (That one was on the internet)

5) A cross necklace.

6) A suckling newborn.

So I gots some lists goin on. Let’s sum up. I’m gross, I’m lazy, I’m prejudiced, and I’m horny. Yeah, that about sums it up.