I went to Whole Foods. It was awful. I go to Whole Foods nearly once a day hoping to find some new free sample that makes my day worth living. Maybe a new chili-lime cheese corn puff. Or fresh veggies with multiple dipping sauces. or a good ole Habenero Cheddar. There were no samples like that. In fact there was only one free sample and it was a dutch cheese that left an aftertaste in my mouth similar to a baby’s fart. After disappointedly leaving with my obligatory cheapest snack I could find, I found myself stuck behind a young child distracted by an older woman wearing what appeared to be the bastard son of a leopard print shag carpet sofa and a pair of pajamas.

I like kids. No matter what anyone says (Deejay), I’m great with kids. Mostly because I’m just like them with a better swearing vocabulary and, supposedly, more responsibility. As this child stared with a mix of disgust and guilt at the large woman in the leopard print vomit-costume, he slobbered on a corn chip that was a little too much for his baby teeth to handle.

She looked back to the child and said; “I bet you’ve never seen a talking cheetah.” No one was mistaking her for a cheetah. The child was more confused by the woman’s insistence that she was a 65 mph travelling cat instead of the 250 lb. woman that she so obviously was.

The three foot frame glared indignantly at the woman, stopped chewing, and spat the corn chip at her feet and walked away.

It was exactly what I wish I could do. I am so jealous of children – they act the way I wish it were acceptable for me to act.