I’m really into old school rap. It’s because it tells a story. Rap from the early 90s was the rap that was first becoming popular and therefore the first rap to be gentrified. In order to make rap more appealing to white people, hip-hop became stories – everybody loves stories. I’m not excluded from everybody. I love stories. 

This is why I live my life in the “future-past.” For those of you who are new to this concept, the “future-past” is the idea of living one’s life not regretting the past, nor thinking about the future, but rather living so that in the future one can look back on the past with fondness. It is really about doing things that allow one to have stories to tell. It’s the only reason I hit on girls. It’s the only reason I even wake up. If I didn’t want stories to tell so badly, I’d just sleep in a pile of dirty clothes and pb&j crumbs all day. So, maybe I’ll become an old-school rapper because then I could tell stories and make white people who wish they were more black listen.

Here are my favorite future-pastians: (aka – old school rappers)

1) Biz Markie – There are so many Biz songs to choose from, but this may be the most inane story he tells, and that’s the mark of a true f-p: someone who’s willing to tell a story about something that everyone has experienced. My favorite part is when he names things that don’t join you in the toilet.

2) Will Smith and DJ Jazzy Jeff – I’m pretty sure Will Smith is gay. And here he tells great stories of his struggles with hetrosexuality. He is able to beautifully tell the stories of three depressing tales of his misunderstandings of his feelings toward men. Also DJ Jazzy Jeff is hilarious – watch him throughout.

3) Run DMC – Though this movie is more reminiscent of a French art film than a narrative movie, with it’s painted white faces, bicycles and sea of garbage, this song is a story. It is the story of dealing with a person that you don’t want to deal with. This song represents the reward of living in the future-past because it is a song about past hardships – though minor. Talking about past minor hardships is a staple of the future-pastians life.

4) Kurtis Blow – This may not initially strike you as a rap/story, but this old school hip-hop definitely tells a story. It tells the story of somebody who wants to like basketball really badly and has the ability to do basic research into the words and people associated with the sport. He uses this pseudo-knowledge to feign an interest in basketball when he is really more interested in using the same shot over and over, karate, being awkwardly sponsored by some unnamed lite beer, and sexy mustaches. I didn’t even mention that the hoop he plays on is 6 feet high, there is a giant dancing rooster and a fat man with a penchant for mustard, or that he references Ralph Sampson in his rap. 

5) Kool Moe Dee – This song and video is sexy. If I were having sex and this song were on the television, I think I’d be more likely to cum while watching the video than watching titties bounce off my chest. This is a man who knows the idea of the future past and has taken a different approach than me. Where I decide to make a fool of myself so that I have good self-deprecating stories to make my friends laugh at me, Kool makes sure his life is so enviable that he can tell self-aggrandizing stories that will make his friends want to live vicariously through him.

So the future past was best exemplified during the early nineties when rap became an artform that Whites could enjoy. Cus us White boys love a good story and love to have somebody who can tell it to us with awkward rhymes thrown in.