Attention Whoring, Gender, Horny, Indignant, My favorites, Selfish

I Wanna Be a Tween Hottie

I was called “cute” a lot when I was in high-school. As much as I hated it, I always looked forward to the days when I would be a famous actor and like so many Zach Braffs, Shia LaBeoufs, Michael Ceras, and Jake Gyllenhaals before me that nerdy cuteness would transform into teeny-bopper sex appeal and I would land myself on People’s 50 Sexiest Men and I would give some rant in the interview explaining why I wasn’t actually attractive and how society had formed our opinions about who was hot and therefore it meant nothing, all the while still posing with my hand over my chest and a goofy smile that showed off my “nerdy-cute” side for the spread.

While this dream dies a little every day I look in the mirror and see the thickening of my chest-pubes and the creation of my back hair, it is not dead. The reason it refuses to die is because I wait tables and many of my customers are 16 year old girls who will get small tatoos on their outer ankle when they turn 18 as a form of rebellion who are on family vacations.

The conditions are perfect.

They are with their family, therefore thinking about what guy they could bring back home to Mom and Dad, I am being overly nice as I am working for tip money, I also shaved so that my splotchy chin hairs don’t disgust people away from ordering spinach artichoke dip, I also am wearing nice clothes, and the 16 year old is on vacation and therefore has contrived fantasies about meeting the love of her life on a trip away from home that then extends to eloping with her new found love. These girls constanly fall in love with me. I am dreamy as fuck to them. I hate it.

Sure it satisfies my sick fantasies of giving a big fuck you to all the girls in high school who rejected me, but I hate those fantasies. Those are dumb fantasies that I shouldn’t feel. So I feel conflicted, and I get mad at the girl for liking me for reasons that I can completely explain away without using any reasons that relate to my actual personality, but also get giddly excited that my theories about my cuteness transforming are correct.

I ran into a girl from high-school yesterday who always thought I had a crush on her. I’m sure I’m not the only guy who she thought had a crush on her, but it always pissed me off. She was really dumb and I therefore made fun of her for it in class. This was misinterpreted as flirting via meanness, when it was truly me just being a dick. When she got in, we both pretended not to recognize the other and wee hoping to extend this fantasy through our entire interaction, but her boyfriend recognized me from high school (I did not recognize him) and killed our ability to dream.

I think that when people are away from a friend for a long time and then they go back to interacting with them, they revert back to their original self in that interaction. One evil condescending look from her grossly over-tanned face (she also has a round face so I used to joke to myself that I would someday just bring a straw into class and start trying to shove it into her head and when she was like “what are you doing?” I would say, “Oh, I’m sorry I thought this was the Tropicana Orange.”) and my voice started cracking, my hands started jerking around, and my jokes started flopping.

I wasn’t cute turned sexy, I was nerdy turned creeepy. That’s probably more likely to be what happens.


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