Lara got an internship at “The Onion” because of her ability to review movies and shit. I love Lara and respect her dearly, but this is what got her an internship?
We need some new phrases. Our old ones don’t make sense in our culture. I’m gonna come up with new ones.
1. Shooting fish in a barrel. Nobody cares about gaining fish anymore. And barrels aren’t prevalent in today’s society. New Phrase: Pointing out the problematic nature of “The Ugly Truth.”
2. Beating a dead horse. This is sick. It implies that beating a live horse is worthwhile. I hate horses, but I think we can kill them in a much more civil way. New Phrase: Pointing out the problematic nature of “The Ugly Truth.”
3. Avoid like the plague. The plague died with all the people who died with it. It’s sooooo dark ages. New Phrase: Avoid like being so cliche as to point out the problematic nature of “The Ugly Truth.”
4. Taking candy from a baby. We now know that giving babies candy is bad for them, so this has different connotations. Instead of implying something is really easy, it simply implies that you are health conscious. If we really want this to keep it’s original meaning we should use the new phrase. New Phrase: Pointing out the problematic nature of “The Ugly Truth.”
5. Watching paint dry/grass grow. We have quick drying paint and chemicals that increase the growth of plants! That makes these activities fun and interesting. Okay, maybe not fun and interesting, but we pay people to do this shit now, and that makes it less boring. New Phrase: Reading a diatribe that points out the problematic nature of “The Ugly Truth.”
6. Mad as a hatter. This idiom comes from the days when mercury was used to make hats and therefore hatmakers went insane. It is insulting to modern day hatters to insinuate that they are all mad. New Phrase: Mad as people who point out the problematic nature of “The Ugly Truth” and think they are accomplishing something.
7. Stubborn as a mule. When’s the last time you hung out with a mule? It doesn’t count if you were at the grand canyon – those mules aren’t stubborn because their spirit has been broken. New Phrase: Stubborn as a person trying to defend themselves to me after I wrote a bitterly mean rant against them and their desired livelihood on the internet.
8. Off like a bride’s nightie. We shouldn’t change this one. This is a good one that I didn’t know about until I wikipediad “English Similes.” It’s Australian. Australians are sooo horny.
9. A wigwam for a goose’s bridle. Um. The Australians are also confusing. But it means “mind your own business.” Well, if it meant mind your own business because it is not worth meddling with something so obviously and absurdly incorrect and obnoxious, and by analyzing it you are only giving credence to something that doesn’t deserve to even be mentioned, even if it is the #1 comedy in America right now. God I hate America. If it means that then New Phrase: A review that points out the problematic nature of “The Ugly Truth.”
10. Calling the kettle black. We don’t use kettles anymore. New Phrase: Me making fun of Lara for her obvious rants against shit that we all already hate.