Lara got an internship at “The Onion” because of her ability to review movies and shit. I love Lara and respect her dearly, but this is what got her an internship?
We need some new phrases. Our old ones don’t make sense in our culture. I’m gonna come up with new ones.
1. Shooting fish in a barrel. Nobody cares about gaining fish anymore. And barrels aren’t prevalent in today’s society. New Phrase: Pointing out the problematic nature of “The Ugly Truth.”
2. Beating a dead horse. This is sick. It implies that beating a live horse is worthwhile. I hate horses, but I think we can kill them in a much more civil way. New Phrase: Pointing out the problematic nature of “The Ugly Truth.”
3. Avoid like the plague. The plague died with all the people who died with it. It’s sooooo dark ages. New Phrase: Avoid like being so cliche as to point out the problematic nature of “The Ugly Truth.”
4. Taking candy from a baby. We now know that giving babies candy is bad for them, so this has different connotations. Instead of implying something is really easy, it simply implies that you are health conscious. If we really want this to keep it’s original meaning we should use the new phrase. New Phrase: Pointing out the problematic nature of “The Ugly Truth.”
5. Watching paint dry/grass grow. We have quick drying paint and chemicals that increase the growth of plants! That makes these activities fun and interesting. Okay, maybe not fun and interesting, but we pay people to do this shit now, and that makes it less boring. New Phrase: Reading a diatribe that points out the problematic nature of “The Ugly Truth.”
6. Mad as a hatter. This idiom comes from the days when mercury was used to make hats and therefore hatmakers went insane. It is insulting to modern day hatters to insinuate that they are all mad. New Phrase: Mad as people who point out the problematic nature of “The Ugly Truth” and think they are accomplishing something.
7. Stubborn as a mule. When’s the last time you hung out with a mule? It doesn’t count if you were at the grand canyon – those mules aren’t stubborn because their spirit has been broken. New Phrase: Stubborn as a person trying to defend themselves to me after I wrote a bitterly mean rant against them and their desired livelihood on the internet.
8. Off like a bride’s nightie. We shouldn’t change this one. This is a good one that I didn’t know about until I wikipediad “English Similes.” It’s Australian. Australians are sooo horny.
9. A wigwam for a goose’s bridle. Um. The Australians are also confusing. But it means “mind your own business.” Well, if it meant mind your own business because it is not worth meddling with something so obviously and absurdly incorrect and obnoxious, and by analyzing it you are only giving credence to something that doesn’t deserve to even be mentioned, even if it is the #1 comedy in America right now. God I hate America. If it means that then New Phrase: A review that points out the problematic nature of “The Ugly Truth.”
10. Calling the kettle black. We don’t use kettles anymore. New Phrase: Me making fun of Lara for her obvious rants against shit that we all already hate.
4 thoughts on “New Phrases”
“Shit that we all already hate.”
Nisse, who is “we”?
Not everyone is a well-educated elitist liberal who always-already understands “the problematic nature of the Ugly Truth” — some people go to the movies to have a good time and it doesn’t occur to them that they are watching something that reinforces harmful ideas about gender roles and other stuff that “we” apparently take for granted. Pointing out the sexism and other problems in a movie is not reiterating truths that “we” all know, it’s supporting the push towards media literacy that gives people the tools to understand and analyze shitty fucking movies that otherwise they may just take some pleasure in and forget without realizing they’ve been impacted subconsciously.
Who is “we”?
Good question. The “we” I refer to is the group of people who find Lara’s and my blog because they were bored at their office job or wanted an escape from homework and so checked facebook and what happened to be near the top of their newsfeed but a cryptic inside joke and a link. So why not? “We” will click on this.
Who is “we?”
So “we” refers to these facebook friends who are (a) bored enough with their own lives to follow someone else’s, and (b) friends with us on facebook. I know Lara, and I know myself even better and our friends are “well-educated elitist liberals.”
So, sure, not everyone is bound to understand the “problematic nature of the Ugly Truth” but they should, and having just finished a job where I forcibly ingrained children with this knowledge via 20 minutes rants, I know that it isn’t that hard to get. And that even dumb 12 year olds can understand why it’s problematic to assume a woman thinks with her brain and a man thinks with his ballsack. (see the poster of “The Ugly Truth”) So my assumption is that anyone reading Lara’s blog will have similar feelings as I did, which were: “Yeah…I know.”
So, sorry “Olivia.” Because I didn’t realize that people so incapable of basic self-analysis were in this tightly knit group of well-educated elitist liberals who don’t go to the movies to simply have a good time without analysis of the film’s harmful effect on society. Oops.
And I used “film’s” the second time I could have said “movie’s” because I wanted to sound smarter and pretentious. Yes. I did.
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There was a teacher in high school who used the phrase “off like a prom dress”. I thought it was clever until the morning after the prom when I woke up still a virgin and realized he had only reinforced my incorrect assumptions about youth. Off like a premature ejaculation would probably have been a far more accurate and consistent cliche at that age however it doesn’t role off the tongue as well. But I’m still going to use it, starting right now.