Here’s what I’m eating for breakfast: I call it love food – like soul food but better.

1. Put some oil on a pan and slowly simmer up the last jalapeno you have in the fridge.

I like spicy food. It is also the only arena in which I can out “man” most men. I can’t drink more, or lift more, or get more pussy than most guys, but I can eat spicier food. I make curries with extra siracha, and I’ve gone through a full bottle of hot sauce in the past month during this bean phase of existence. When I was in high school a friend brought in some habeneros. We all had to eat a sliver. I did my obligatory duty of eating it and my even more obligatory duty of feigning a comedic dance to cool down the “burning of my mouth.” It wasn’t until afterward that we all felt the true pain of our decision. We all found ourselves using the bathroom as an excuse to leave class at some point through the day, and we all, being all men, stood up and grabbed our wieners as we pissed. After school we all bonded over the fact that we never wanted to get an STD if it felt anything like manhandling some capsaicin and then manhandling our junk.

2. Toss on some black beans from a can.

I spent a half an hour in Trader Joe’s yesterday trying to determine whether to spend my final dollar on a can of beans or a package of macaroni and cheese. After pacing through the store, calling a friend for his advice, and almost switching over to a banana, and two potatoes, I finally left the store empty handed. I had decided the beans would last me longest and combine easiest with the spices I had and the things that I could guilt my couch surfers into giving me, but the line a Trader Joe’s was at least a half an hour long. There was no way I was waiting that long with a single can of beans and a single dollar in my wallet. I bought a can at the local convenience store next door to my apartment.

3. Empty the spice rack into the pan.

Whenever I move to a new place, the first thing I check is the spices they have. Typically people don’t use spices as much as they think they will. I am not typical (so not typical that I refuse to use the easier word atypical). I use way more spices than I intend to. Spices are also cheap, so people don’t mind if you use their spices, especially if you bring in some new ones. In my first grocery shopping adventure I make sure to get curry powder and a crazy spice that I can use to impress my roommates with once I cook them my first and only selfless meal. They then give me free range over the spices in the spice cabinet (which they weren’t gonna use anyway – typically half of them aren’t even open) and also don’t mind if I use their soy-sauce or hot sauce. Also put hot sauce in your bean-combo.

4. Let simmer while you ask if you could just use a little of the avocado that your couch surfer bought and put in your fridge.

I’ve been missing Jimmy Johns lately. There were many a night where I would call for a late night delivery of a sandwich to make my studying or hanging out better. Jimmy Johns has decent bread, and their vegetables and sandwich meats are alright. What makes them so amazing is the avocado they spread on every sub. They don’t technically spread it on every sub, but for my purposes, they did. I’ve never had a Jimmy Johns sub without avocado.

5. Mix everything in a bowl and then realize that it is too hot so put some of that strawberry cream cheese you’ve been saving in to cool it down.

My theory on cooking is that if all the ingredients are good, than the product must be good too. Thus the invention of Curry-Ghetti, Marinara-Cheese Pancakes, and Cactus-Curry Dumplings.

The parallel to something more meaningful: I live my life to be an interesting string of events, because I figure if every moment is fun, then so was my life.