Fuck safety. Safety is a word people use so that they don’t have to experience excitement. People think I’m safe. People know I don’t like hurting others and assume I won’t hurt them. Of course I won’t, but that doesn’t mean I’m safe. People think I’m safe because I’m Swedish and Jewish. I’m neither too Arian or too not. I’m a sweet medley of sugar and spice and everything that is socially acceptable and interesting. I’m safe because my parents owned a health food store and I don’t drink caffeine. I don’t take hard drugs. I’m not going to explode. I barely have emotion. I’m safe. Y’know why I’m safe? Because I was too scared to break up with my first girlfriend because she was suicidal and so I just remained somewhat but not offensively distant for a month until she cheated on me and then broke up with me. And my response was: “You’re still gonna act in my comedy show, right?” I’m so safe that I don’t hurt people, and I don’t get hurt. I’m safe because I like to laugh. I’m safe because I wear a safety belt. I’m safe because I’m from the Whitest state in the nation but I’m into racial equality. Fuck safety. Safety is a word people use when they want to be racist but know that it’s wrong to say that they don’t want to live near people that look different than them. Fuck safety. People think I’m safe because I had a bowl cut until well into sophomore year of high-school. Well, fuck people. I changed my hair to boring, strait and easy. I can’t pull off any other hair. If I could sport a mohawk and still play multiple characters on stage, I’d do it, but instead I have to be safe. People think I’m safe because I’m small. I can’t physically hurt things. I’m safe because though I’ve been threatened with a fight many times before, I’ve walked away from every one of them or made a joke about how small my penis is. The worst part is that I’m not just safe, I’m safe BUT… I’m safe BUT offensive. I’m safe BUT quirky. I’m safe BUT your friends won’t say I’m lame because I make jokes about gross things and wear weird clothes. You can say I’m funny and interesting, even though you’re not going to be able to say that I’m hot. You can show your friends that you’re not shallow because you’re willing to be sexual with this scrawny dude known for his sense of humor, who’s not going to pressure you into fucking before you’re ready. Fuck safety. Safety is a word people use to make sure their life is predictable.
Fuck safety. I want to lead on a gay guy to think that I’m bi, and then dump on him the news that I’m full blown hetero. I want to lead on a girl and when we lean in for the kiss, turn away and say “Ew, not with you. You’re way grosser looking than what I usually go for.”
I hate being safe, because safety is just an image. Everything’s safe if you stop worrying, but some people need to worry and then they turn to me because I’m the safe decision. I’m not a risk because my hair is nice and I have cute blue eyes. Well, that’s about to change, I’m gonna go unpredictable!
My favorite book is Twilight and I enjoy making fun of chubby kids at the playground and I just bought a new car that’s fast and I eat food out of the dumpster and my uncle touched me and I buy 10 lottery tickets a day. Go fuck yourself safety.