Behind me sit some MILFs. I don’t mean like those busty bar sluts that you see on Milfhunter. I mean like classy supermodel looking people with tiny babies. They’re all part of a group to make them feel whole because their man partners are meant to make them be pregnant. They all watch Sex and the City and they all think they’re Samantha. Except that they can’t be Samantha because they’re too married.

They’re gonna be terrible parents. I’m not just saying that because I am not like them, and I don’t like people who are different than me. Those would all be valid reasons, but they’re not my reasons right now. It’s because their kids keep falling over. Why do they keep falling over? Because the moms are paying attention to one thing specifically: Themselves and the monologues they are making with their mouths. They are technically in conversation, but only because all of them are performing monologues broken up by feigning listening via nodding while somebody else performs their monologue.

The children want to explore the world, but these women are busy exploring how well other people can pretend to pay attention. These kids keep running into walls, and chairs an strollers, and only once they cry does mommy pay attention.

I hate these bitches. And that’s what it be.