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My last two years at college I played Super Smash Brothers on N64. I don’t mean that I played it during my last two years of college, I mean that that is what I did during my last two years of college. All of them. I have again purchased a Nintendo 64 and a copy of Super Smash Bros. Luckily I don’t have friends, otherwise I would be trying to use the down b of Yoshi as opposed to being super-productive by typing about how I wish I were using the down b of Yoshi.

In a fit of nostalgia I have decided to recreate my college life symbolically. I will write a script about Super Smash. The 10% of the time that I wasn’t defeating Captain Falcon with Kirby harder than you even can, I was organizing my sketch comedy troupe’s materials as best I could so that Hannah wouldn’t yell at me as much.

I Hope You Die In Kansas

Link and Samus stand next to each other near a mushroom. A star bounces around nearby.

Link: So, do you come here often?

Samus: To this specific floating island in the sky? Or do you mean to any floating island in the sky?

Link: I guess, I was specifically referring to this one, but I mean if you go to others, you can tell me about them too.

Samus: Naah.

Link: Naah, what? To which question.

Samus: Well, to both.

Link: What?

Samus: I neither come to this or to any floating islands in the sky very often.

Link: Then why’d you ask the clarifying question before?

Samus: I just wanted to be clear what I was answering “no” to.

Link: But your answer would have been the same either way?

Samus: yeah.

Link: I don’t get why you wasted my time.

Samus: Is it a waste of time to talk to me?

Link: No, I just… It’s a waste of time for you to be redundant.

Samus: I’m redundant to you?

Link: What?! How are you changing my words around to mean these absurd things. I just wanted to extend our conversation.

Samus: Why?

Link: Because I don’t know what we have in common, I was trying to find common ground.

Samus: Why?

Link: Because I like to like you.

Samus: But you don’t yet?

Link: I don’t know. Why is this an interrogation? I just think you’re hot and I thought I could get inside that suit with you and… I’ve made an ass of myself haven’t I?

Samus: A little. I think you’ve gotten yourself a little worked up.

Link: Yeah, I just need to ground myself.

Samus: You wanna go down to real ground?

Link: I mean, I meant metaphorically, but I could use some real ground nonetheless.

Samus: Where you wanna go?

Link: Kansas.

Samus: Why?

Link: Because that’s in the name of the sketch and I’ve given up on this being funny.

Samus: Yeah. It’s definitely not going anywhere.

Link: Maybe we can make out.

Samus: Kansas is known for being a great place to make out.

Link: Really?

Samus: No, but this sketch sucks so I thought adding in absurd lies might save it.

Link: What about gratuitous sexuality?

Samus: Try it.

Link: I have some toys we could play with if you wanted to get kinky.

Samus: Like what?

Link: Bombs and Boomerangs.

Samus: I don’t think those are very sexual.

Link: That was the point. They were weird as opposed to sexual. How funny. Also they referenced my real character’s tools, which will make nerds laugh to prove they are nerdy enough to understand the joke.

Samus: Good point.


Link: What about Homosexuality and Midwestern Accents. We could use those too.

Samus: Well, I’m a woman, so I’ll take the midwest accent, you be flamingly gay.

Link: Can we still make out?

Samus: Sure, that could be funny. But I’m not sexually attracted to you.

Link: Why not?

Samus: I don’t like guys that are shorter than me.

Link: What guy isn’t shorter than you? Do you like guys?

Samus: No. I’m a lesbian. Thanks for outing me.

Link: Sorry.

Samus: I hope you die when we get to Kansas.

Link: That is awkwardly close to the title. If we end on that, that’s gonna be really confusing.

Samus: But, do you want to keep going?

Link: God no! I guess we’re done.

Samus: Phew. I hope he edits this.

Link: That’s not gonna happen, have you read his other shit?

Samus: Good point.

Well, I hope you enjoyed my weird fan-fiction of SSB turned self-hatred. I didn’t.


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