I am performing tonight at Tank Theater. It’s the first sketch show performed by Rachel and the Elf, my terribly boringly named sketch troupe with a really cool logo done by Paul Swartz.

It should be fun, and soon I will be happy again because I will have been onstage. I’m sorry to all of you for the upcoming drivel I will be producing from my bed of smiles, rainbows, and unicorn farts.

If you are in New York, come!

Anyway, I’ve been thinking about death a lot recently because I’ve been alive and I don’t really think there is a more useful topic to think about then the ultimate change (aka: death). If there is a heaven, which there is not, I would like these things available to me:

1. A very full refrigerator whose door is jam-packed with condiments.

2. G-chat.

3. A large stage with an even larger audience.

4. Porn that as soon as you’ve cum turns into very funny feminist comedy.

5. Bubble machines.

6. Two different 24 hour donut shops within walking distance.

7. Somehow I don’t have to shave anymore.

8. Or do laundry.

9. I have to go eat because all I keep thinking about is different foods that I want in heaven. And right now.