I love being on stage because it is the only place I don’t have to feel guilty. I don’t have a lot of desires that I think make this world a worse place, but I am willing to admit my demand for attention takes from others’ opportunity to garner the attention they desire. While on stage all of my attention whoring is not only acceptable but also expected.
It also provides me with the outlet I need to lie. I love lying. In every sense of the word; I think coming up with fantastical stories and having my back make contact with something horizontal are two of the coolest things in the world. I also hate lying because it means that someone doesn’t know the whole truth and I always want to know the whole truth. The stage is a place where I get to lie, but no one has to or should believe me.
When I am on stage I get to do all the things I want to do in day to day life but am not selfish enough to subject the world to. I get to demand that everybody look at me while I make them believe things that aren’t true. I could easily do that in life, but then I would feel guilty because both of those things involve making sure that someone else doesn’t get to do those things. If I demand attention, no one else gets it. If I lie, then people don’t know the truth.
I assume everybody has the same desires as I do: Truth and Fame.
When I was in high school I was a dick. I still am a dick, but at least I like myself now. The reason I was a dick was because I took every literal open door as a metaphorical open door for attention and lying. I would run into all of them and throw my head back in pain. While it provided laughs and joy to all who saw, it also took away any opportunity for someone else to be looked at, and tricked everyone into believing that I was hurt.
It was before I learned selflessness. It was when I was an only child. It was when I lived in Maine.
Now that I am eager to seek truth and actually seek fame I have to let go of my high school desires to steal truth and fame from others. Only through sharing that truth and fame will we all get along.
I stopped looking at what I was typing about three fourths into this because I realized that I haven’t written anything I’m proud of besides my Haiti joke in weeks. I hate myself still.