My friend wants me to write about this picture:

But he’s an idiot, and this is a dumb picture and I hate him.

Why do people think that I can be told what to write my blog about? I help this world through the tough times that this world forces upon us, and I need no advice on how to impart that help.

I’ve always thought that people should be paid not by how hard they work but how much they give to the society they are a part of. Half of this is because I don’t want to work hard, but half of this is because I think I provide for society more than nearly every random group of ten people combined. Whether through this blog, or on stage, or generally through my existence I have increased the joy and happiness of people in a way none of you have.

This is why I need to be famous. If I were famous I could help everybody as opposed to my close knit group of friends who are forced to listen to me. I want to spread my joy everywhere: it is a basic human right, just like food, shelter, and basic health. These should all be basic human rights. Not necessarily dog rights.

Sometimes I get annoyed with those people who are like “we need to help the people within our country before we help people in other countries,” but I think there is validity to their intentions. I still believe this is a very interconnected world and we should have compassion for all humans on this earth, but I don’t think that dogs and cats have the same rights as us. Even though Fluffy might have a bigger impact on you as a “doesn’t want to be single anymore woman living in a studio apartment in Kansas City who is too scared to sign up for an internet dating site” that doesn’t mean that Fluffy has a bigger impact on the world than Jeremy the homeless kid in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan. That kid has two parents and people that he can communicate with, hopes and dreams to aspire to, and opinions he can discuss. Fluffy waits for cans to be opened in order to eat, is only able to change people’s opinions through discussion if the person is persuaded by a someone listing one of the things that we lose through clear cutting (think about what a dog says), and would be lunch if he took a trip to Korea.

So, stop being so selfish and realize that I should get taxpayer money for my addiction to hulu and condiments, because my addictions are your pleasures.