I am a very unlikable fellow. I am also very lovable. I’ve spoken before of the “gauntlet” that I put potential sexual or friendship partners through, but in order to catch people up to speed I will quickly define it: It is how I act like a very hateable person – accenting all of my traits that are most societally disliked when I first meet people so that if they can like that then they can like me. It’s only a downhill road. This also has an opposite and equal reaction where people assume that if they’ve found their way through the gauntlet and have found some way to find me likeable they must be in love with me.

While I am a very caring and nice person to be in a relationship with, I also do not get emotionally attached easily if at all. Combine this lovability with a trend of sexually heroizing the slightly effeminate heterosexual geek (1 2 OMG 3), and I am quite the catch. Which sucks.

Oh no, H2$ is complaining about people loving him, what a fucking tool. I don’t want to be loved – especially not by some blonde bombshell who doesn’t understand how she is being tricked by sitcoms into liking me. I want friends. And not the sitcom. I want fucks. I wish that were a sitcom. I do not want a wife.

Another problem: People look to me when the want that “final” relationship. I don’t have the energy right now to rant about why we shouldn’t have “final” relationships, so instead: Why can’t you just fuck me now realize that I’m not very good at it and move on. Then you can use me as your back up plan. Not. Because when I’m 35 I’ll have a harem of women who were using me as a backup plan to reject. Really, I’m just telling you that it’s now or never because none of you are alone in your desires for cliched relationships – and none of you are lovable to me.