I’ve recognized that I have a hard time liking something without liking it for its feminist or socialist implications. Here I will attempt to find five things I really like despite my inability to fabricate some deeper feminist or anti-capitalist propaganda in its motives. The opposite doesn’t count either. In other words here is a list of my favorite things that in no way include Lady Gaga, Beyonce, any sketch comedy, or Biz Markie, movie trailers for Jenifer Aniston movies, or conservative talk shows.

5. TRIDENT32. Really I like McSweeneys, but I’m sure I could find some post that I could misinterpret into having to do with a post modern feminist dystopian understanding of or gender constructs. This one I can’t. This one is very funny. I like proof that stupidity exists. Not like ignorant and hurtful stupid, but rather just stupid. It provides perspective on things. We all exist in the same world, and we’re all the same animal, shouldn’t that mean that I am genetically similar to TRIDENT32? It reminds me I’m genetically similar to all humans, including the ones that hate gays, blacks and women. So I have to educate them. This list of internet comments is reminds me that the battle has not been won and there is much education to be done before people understand the validity of a feminist socialist world. GODDAMNIT!

4. Misadventures and cool technology. How did I never find out about this movie? I love museums! I love I-Max shit! I love 3D shit! I love even more than all of that misadventures. In a misadventure nobody has any idea what will happen next. We are all at the whims of the world around us. In a true misadventure no one truly understands where they are, but is constantly attempting to know. This is what life should be about. Attempting to understand more. Attempting to learn more. Curiosity did not kill the cat, but rather curiosity is the reason the cat is no longer a kitten yet still retains its fun kitten traits. What a stupid phrase: “Curiosity killed the cat.” It’s also fucked up because the thing that curiosity kills is a feline (aka feminine animal). Curiosity only kills women, because we don’t want them to learn about the world because learning = freedom, and GODDAMMIT! Misadventures are feminist. Plus we’re all equal, we don’t have preconceived understandings of the world – we all start at the same place. Misadventures are socialist. GODDAMMIT!

3. Numbers. They describe so much. They can determine anything. Including why aliens don’t exist. Including why… ah shit, this isn’t going to work. Numbers are the reason I believe in taxes to help an economy. Numbers are another way we tell women they can’t control anything. We tell them that they are bad at numbers and then use numbers to confuse them after we don’t teach them numbers. This isn’t going well.

2. Feist’s music videos. She’s just so fucking uplifting and adorable and amazing and totally watchable. I did just use the word adorable, but that doesn’t demand that I rant about feminism, maybe. Her very easily but fully choreographed dances are danced with a mix of effortlessness and extreme concentration that is unmatchable and unexplainably entrancing. Just try to look away during a Feist music video and your eyes will explode because whatever you looked at instead of Feist was so much worse that your eyes will punish you for punishing them. Eyes are a very vengeful body-part. GODDAMNIT. It’s not the most obviously feminist video, but she still demands that you understand that a woman can love a one night stand as much as a man. And she defends one night stands as emotionally uplifting. I fucking love her. In a one night stand kind of way.

1. LOLcats. Just kidding. I hate lolcats, they are ruining our society. The real number one is beatboxing. If you didn’t click on the first link because you didn’t want to look at dumb pictures of cats with words spelled wrong, good, but you should click on it because it’s actually a video of this amazing beatboxer I saw last night at an open mic. He’s fucking incredible. And beatboxing is so fucking cool. I get that they are just the same sounds that you hear all the time just coming out of a person’s mouth this time, but it’s mesmerizing. Beatboxing creates this bond between audience and performer that no other art-form can do because the artist is up there with no tools different than what you have while you sit in your chair, but s/he is doing so much more with them. In essence it is the ultimate socialist argument. If we force all people to start with the same things, the real cream will rise to the top and give us beautiful music. GODDAMNIT!!!

I can’t do it.