Depressed

Kicking Me While I’m Down

I can’t think.

Guilt becomes such a powerful numbing agent when used incorrectly. Guilt can be so helpful – it can motivate a person to do right, to make up for doing wrong, but when done wrong guilt causes numbness. Part of the reason for my desires for a world made up entirely of my clones is to have a world full of people who feel as consistently guilty as I do. The thing is, that this guilt that helps push forward society is only helpful when the feeler of said guilt understands what they feel guilty about – when they can change something in their life to relieve that guilt. When one has no comprehension of what they feel guilty for, then one obsesses about it – can’t think of anything but what you could do to make yourself feel less guilty.

This utopian world of people who are not just like me but are me would be a world of guiltful creatures, but they would also be self aware – so self aware that whatever they saw/heard/felt/did that made them feel so guilty, they would know what steps to take to attempt an undoing.

When I was 6 I slapped my dad. I was having a bad day and he tried to cheer me up by racing me down the driveway, but he didn’t let me win. When he finished and turned around to pick me up and congratulate me on getting 2nd place out of two people, I slapped him. He was supposed to let me win because he was my dad and I was having a shitty day. He wasn’t supposed to kick me when I was down. I still feel guilty about it.

Everytime my dad and I argue over the fact htat he tries to force me to take his advice on what to do with my career despite the fact that he knows nothing about what to do, I remember that event and feel guilty and tell him he’s right and I’m sorry.

I feel so guilty about it because it was a bout of anger, and anger is so purposefully out of character for me. It doesn’t befit me because I decided it is an unproductive emotion. Here guilt causes you to find ways to right the wrongs of the world, anger causes you to cause enough wrongs that you don’t have to be the only one who’s been wronged. As we all know, an eye for an eye makes a world full of people mis-accused of masturbating too much.

Since the slapping incident, I’ve only had one time where I let my anger get the best of me and I slapped again, and I still feel so guilty about that incident that I don’t want to talk about it. That’s untrue. I had another slapping incident I just forgot about. I once slapped a girl for making fun of my best friend for liking her, or something like that, I honestly don’t remember because I blacked out because of guilt. I have no recollection of the event or the following 30 minutes despite not being on any substances.

I am numb to these events. I cannot comprehend their existence and therefore when I think about them my mind finds it impossible to focus on anything else, and I begin to feel like yelling. I believe that this is guilt without self awareness – this is anger. Anger is the reaction to being unable to comprehend your own guilt.

Maybe this is my own obsession with guilt attempting to relate all emotions to the one my whiteness and Jewishness have combined to make my only emotion, but maybe there is some validity to this. Maybe all feelings are just different manifestations of guilt.

Depression is simply self-obsessive guilt – guilt that your life isn’t what you wanted it to be and you aren’t taking the necessary steps to improve it.

Happiness is when all guilt is resolved.

Lust is just guilt that you haven’t worked hard enough to please your genitalia.

Fear is anticipated guilt.

Nervous is the same with an understanding that the guilt you are about to feel is pretty trivial.

Drunk is just guilt manifested into action.

If all feelings are just one stage of guilt or another, then we can force these emotions to become the productive emotion of guilt. Transform any emotion you have into guilt. Then we can finally have a world full of neurotic self-obsessed blogger/comedians who believe that they somehow figured out the key to life. Doesn’t that sound fun?!

No?

Look I’m depressed, and I want to feel guilty for forcing you into my life.

Don’t kick me while I’m down. I might slap back.

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One thought on “Kicking Me While I’m Down

  1. glickstein says:

    When I think of really stupid things that I’ve done, especially ones that have hurt other people, one part of my mind causes me to say, out loud “you wanna fight? bring it.” and then start basely insulting the part of my mind which is revisiting those actions.

    Seriously, I say it out loud. I hate ways that I’m like you.

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