You Don’t Like the World Cup, You’re an Asshole

I get when people get excited about the Olympics despite having no knowledge of sports because it is a sport where you get to be patriotic in rooting for a team. I don’t do that, but I get it. The world cup is a soccer event. If you don’t watch or care about the MLS or any of the European soccer leagues, then you don’t get to care about the World Cup. I can maybe even understand if you get interested in all sports mildly and this is one that gets broadcast enough that you can pay attention, but don’t use the World Cup as your method of sounding tolerant of other cultures.

If you are from America the biggest sporting event is the Super Bowl. Biggest playoff season: March Madness. Not paying attention to those, but paying attention to the World Cup does not mean you are closer to international people, it means you are an asshole. You don’t care about the world cup, and that’s fine. You know who cares about the world cup in other countries – the same people who you think are dickheads who care too much about March Madness here. Soccer is not somehow a less bro-ey douchey sport than other sports. All sports weight physical abilities over intellectual ones, so those same bullies who beat you up in high school that made you hate Football players are playing Soccer and bullying around nerdy kids like you in England and Cameroon.

And you aren’t rooting for the underdog sport. You’re just joining a group of people who aren’t near you. You are identifying with people who you have no reason to identify with – you are posing. You are a poser. No. You are an asshole.

And don’t tell me that soccer is a more interesting sport. It’s not. Hockey is soccer, but faster and more interesting. Lacrosse is soccer with sticks and WAY cooler. Basketball is soccer with more strategy and cooler jumping. Half the games end in 1-1 ties in soccer. I’m not saying that you can’t find soccer fun (I used to play soccer), but I am saying that the only way you can find soccer enjoyable to watch is if you grew up in a culture where soccer was so ingrained that you watched it since you were sitting on a parent’s lap cheering because your daddy told you to. Which is the same reason anybody finds Baseball interesting – that shit is dull.

If you don’t like soccer, you don’t get to like the world cup. The Olympics are different. Nobody claims to think that track and field is interesting. People watch the coverage of the Olympics more than the games themselves and readily admit to that fact. People claim allegiance with teams from weird countries that they want to be like when it comes to the World Cup and I’m tired of it. Fuck you, you posing asshole piece of shit – you don’t like the world cup.


4 thoughts on “You Don’t Like the World Cup, You’re an Asshole

  1. Ben says:

    Strange cooincidence, that sounds just like me, except I don’t suck.

    In unrelated news I just came across a summer camp called Summer Adventure Camp for Kids. its e-mail is KidsLoveSack@gmail.

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