Attention Whoring, comedy, My favorites, Selfish


I wish I had accidentally become Justin Beiber. He’s writing his memoir at 16. I want to write my memoir every two years. I guess I just call it a blog and write it constantly, but the idea of publishing a book with stories I pull from my short term memory sounds awesome.

I also want to be Justin Beiber because I like the idea of being a tween sensation. Not because I want to fuck 16 year olds, but I think I do want to fuck 16 year olds’ expectations. That is to say that I want to be on the cover TeenHeartThrobbingCock magazine with a patchy half beard, a ball hanging out, with my arm around a 40-year-old-fat-poor-black-woman that I met on set when she was begging for change to support her illiterate child and her meth addiction.

It’s not that I want to change what we find attractive, it’s that I don’t want people to understand what they find attractive. Especially teenagers. They are so easily influenced into liking shit, let’s not tell them what they like. Let’s let them make their own fucked up decisions. Let’s make Peaches a viable teenstar:

This video is NSFW if your work isn’t into the implication that Dorothy likes to get high and then get eaten out by flying monkeys

I want to give an interview to aforemention TweenCockThrob that goes like this:

TeenageThrobLand: So, H2$. Your eyes are so blue –

NG: You ever been eye-fucked?

CockTeenTease: I, what?

NG: It’s different than skull fucking. It’s when I look at you so hard that you get wet. Why do you think all these 16 year olds are masturbating to pictures of me? It’s cus I’m eye fucking them when I’m on camera.

TeenJizz: So how would you describe your appeal?

NG: I simultaneously look like I’m 14 years old and like I’m going to make mommy leave daddy for me only to leave her for someone fatter and uglier causing her to go through an uncomfortable revelation that she has past her sexual prime and come crawling back to daddy who has moved on to a younger girl because our society only respects aging when it happens to penises therefore pushing her further into her manic depression until she takes too many pills and she has to give up her custody and you have to go live with daddy and your new step mom who resents you for making it harder to spend daddy’s money and suck daddy’s cock.

WetPantweens: What movie do you look to for inspiration?

NG: Debbie Does Dick, it’s a spin off of Debbie Does Dallas.

Teeeeeeeeeens!!!1!!: So, you like sex a lot?

NG: No. I cry after I have sex every time. I much prefer masturbation because then nobody has to see my tears.

TeenLOLzorsWeiner: I… Um.

NG: Do you want half this ball of opium? I don’t think I can finish it. I’m full.

It’s not just about defying or creating new expectations. It’s about not allowing expectations to exist. Expectations are boring – they make things easy to predict. I want to be constantly surprised, but unsurprised that I am surprised.


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