I have a show in a week at The PIT. It involves nudity. It involves me doing some weird shit to my body and my penis. I love my penis. I really do.
It’s taken me a long time to come to terms with the love affair I have with my penis. People hate my love affair. People don’t want to like the relationship I have with my penis – they want to think it’s clichéd and annoying and that I just want to gross everyone out.
Mostly, they want to think that’s a bad thing. I think being annoyed is an important part of life. I think understanding clichés is how we change as a society. I think being grossed out is a part of self-reflection. My penis is an important, society changing tool of self-reflection.
I was told by a friend who is pretty consistently wrong that she was sorry that she didn’t laugh at my joke about my erection but she just doesn’t find it that funny despite the fact that she understands its funny to us guys. She explained that it’s the same as how I wouldn’t find jokes about periods and vaginas were that funny. I told you she was consistently wrong. I love jokes about periods. I love jokes about vaginas. I think they are just as important or more important that jokes about my penis. Let’s just recognize that our genitals are gross and the fact that we think they are gross is simultaneously depressing and true.
We refuse to show anybody a part of our body – a piece of ourselves – unless we get close to them. That’s stupid. We’re equating a physical chunk of our flesh with vulnerability. Vulnerability is much deeper. Deeper than a vagina. Even your mom’s vagina. And that shit is deep. Because I shoved my penis in it. Really hard. and my penis is long. So long that it extended the depth of your mom’s vagina. It wasn’t very pleasurable for either of us, it was more of an experiment to see if we could change the makeup of our bodies. We succeeded. We’re going to try to publish the results. The paper is called “My Penis Makes Your Mom’s Vagina Deeper: or 20,000 Inches into the C.” They’re trying to get the movie rights to my paper. But I want to sell it to a classy studio like Focus Features. It’s in litigation right now.