Gender, Horny, Indignant, Pathetic

Why sexism/being attractive seems like a lot of work

I’ve gotten back on the horse of writing my memoir. Also, I’ve created my second video in my series of how bigotry and comedy relate. This one’s on sexism.

I’ve also started watching what I eat. Obviously I’m not watching my 124 lb figure, but rather I like creating excel spreadsheets and I’ve been receiving a lot of criticism on the food I eat. Mostly I’ve been told by my parents or other people’s parents (Marlyn) that I am not eating correctly. That somehow I’m not eating enough protein, or vitamins, or food in general.

Well, I’ve created a spreadsheet meant to monitor the nutrition facts of what I eat every day. It’s only been one day, but I created what I thought to be a typical day on my spreadsheet and found two things: I eat barely any cholesterol or saturated fat (check plus for me) and I eat way too much fiber and sodium. This must be the reason I poop so much and then it tastes salty.

The last week I’ve spent most of each day in a private computer lab in Macalester College’s HRC which is awkward because every time I come out of my cave to get some water or relieve myself in the theater’s bathroom I pass a former classmate who says: “Hey, didn’t you graduate?!” as if that’s the cleverest thing that’s ever been said. As if, condescending to me about the fact that I can’t seem to leave my previous establishment is god’s gift to humor. Because I hate repeating the same joke twice (at least not in the same words – that’s what makes this blog okay), I have responded with retorts such as: “Shh, don’t tell anyone.” or “High Five!” or “Just can’t get away!” or “no.” or “Who’s the Boss!” or “Seriously? I did? OH FUCK!” Each one is hilarious. And after they finish laughing they always ask me the same question: “Did you shave half your face?” What the fuck kind of question is that? Obviously I shaved half my face. At this point I have a full beard on only the left side of my head and people still think that there is a possibility that I did something besides shave half my face. What the fuck is wrong with people?

I gotten mistaken for a homelessmen by a friend recently.

I wrote the stuff above this point last night before getting kicked out of my h2$cave because “the HRC was closing.” I woke up at 4:30 this morning and was unable to get back to sleep. I tried counting sheep, whackin’ it, curling in a ball, stretching out, drinking water, drinking hot tea, etc. Then I decided I needed a bath – that that would put me to sleep. My 6:30am bath made me realize two things:

a) I look like a holocoust victim. Nothing makes you realize this better than when you are staring down your bony ass naked body as it is stretched out in a tub.

b) I started to think about how I’ve been told multiple times that a bath is cleaner than a shower. It makes sense – we soak our dishes instead of rinsing them to get them really clean – but nobody seems to believe this. Everyone has the same reaction to being told this – “Eww. No way.” Well here’s the reason: No one can resist the urge to let their gas pass and let the bubbles creep their way up their inner thighs before exploding with a little “ploop.” Hencefore, we all refuse to believe that the cleaner option is sitting in a puddle of our own farts.

Well, it is. The cleaner option is sitting in a puddle of your own farts.

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5 thoughts on “Why sexism/being attractive seems like a lot of work

  1. wes says:

    if you use a web site to track your foods it will automatically keep track of your various nutritional values. the websites tend to have every single fast food item in existence, but never seem to have the cereal + peanut butter + tortilla chips + soymilk combo, so you’d have to enter that shit manually. maybe excel is better.

  2. I can’t honestly think of a better way to express befuddlement at seeing your grooming choices than to confirm one’s perception via the simple interrogative “did you shave half your face?” And you shouldn’t be complaining about the attention that you’re clearly begging for.

    • h2money says:

      Attention will never be something I complain about getting. No attention is bad attention. Questions, on the other hand. I refer to something I heard Howard Zinn say recently at a talk he did at Macalester College – “People only ask questions that they know the answer to.” Those are dumb questions.

      Here are alternate things that one can say upon seeing my unsightly grooming habits:
      1) “You have shaved half of your face.” (A statement, not a question)
      2) “Why did you shave half of your face?” (A question, but not one where the answer is known)
      3) Make a guess at why I shaved half of my face. e.g. “Did you lose a bet?”
      4) Something more original than the three very obvious things I said above.

      These are all acceptable ways to give me the attention I so rightfully begged for.

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