The woman who is labelled as “my love” on my blog’s sidebar has just put up a new post. It is entitled “I know what girls like.”

While I agree that most of the things that Miss Skinner presents as thoughtful ways to prove a mutual attraction (especially ass grabbing), I couldn’t disagree with the first one more. The first one is “give flowers.” So, I present you with a list of my own. Things I am unwilling to do for a girl:

1) Pay for a date – C’mon, the 1950s are over, and most likely she makes more money than me. I’m willing to split it, but most likely she should be paying for me.

2) Buy flowers – Nothing says I’m too lazy to think about what you actually like so I’m gonna spend money to trick you into giving me head like a dozen roses. When a person sends flowers, they are not suddenly struck by the thought of their lover and want to show appreciation. They either feel guilty, or they are horny and so they immediately think of the last person they had sex with. Flowers mean little more than that you are the last in a string of sexual conquests. Flowers are the definition of cliche. Something that means nothing to you as individuals or as a couple, but is used a  substitute for a clever/thoughtful gift.

3) Make a mix CD – See my reasoning for #2.

4) Be on her side (unconditionally) – Once again Ms. Skinner is being a tool. I am not willing to unconditionally back up anything that someone says. Similarly, I don’t expect or want someone to do that for me. If a girl were to back me up in an argument that she disagreed with, I’d dump her on the spot. Also, if she wouldn’t let me grab her ass a bunch.

5) Make and eat a quiche together  – While I don’t disagree with the sentiment of cooking together (I enjoy that a lot), I don’t really like quiche. I feel as though I should like quiche though, so I would become uncomfortable and conflicted if a woman were to ask me to make quiche with them. On the one hand I love a mutual cooking – a lot of ass grabbing can go on in the kitchen when you are reaching for stuff. On the other hand quiche tastes like someone’s solidified saliva with some peppers and onions. It’s easier if I just make a stance against it.

6) Stop suggesting a threesome with your friends – It’s a compliment. I’m saying that I think your friends are hot, but you are so hot yourself that I couldn’t imagine having sex with them without you being present. I would take it as a compliment if you were to suggest threesomes with my friends. 

7) Stop suggesting a threesome with my friends  – It’s a compliment. I’m saying that you are sooooo beautiful that I want to share you with people I care about. What if I’m the only one grabbing your ass during the menage-dude.

8 ) Tell you that you don’t look fat – That’s a dumb questions steeped in male expectations of women and I will have none of it. Just because you weigh more than me doesn’t mean you have to be self-conscious about your weight. There are many 12 year olds who weight more than me.

Eliza, I hope you understand that while I find your comedy titillating, adorable, and sometimes thought provoking you need to stop asking for flowers and compliments. Instead we should just grab each other’s asses. Ass-grabbing is a true act of love – you are touching the poo-place because you are willing to do anything to be closer. I agree with ass-grabbing.

One of my other blog-follows just posted a video of people who like Glenn Beck talking about shit. Here are my five reasons that I’m scared of them:

1) They can’t form a complete sentence. – Especially that libertarian douche. Also he doesn’t understand what the definition of a party is.

2) They really like the Constitution Party – “The Constitution Party platform invokes a preamble that looks to Jesus Christ as Creator, and seeks to secure “our unalienable rights given us by our Creator.” How is something based on the constitution also based in religion.

3) “Burn the books” – Just generally. That lady wants to burn the “brainwashing books, the one in college.” If you’re going to be a dick with stupid views at least be specific.

4) Digital converters are a brain washing device – You know what I like: Evidence.

5) “We got to get serious” – Naaaah. Seriousness is boring. Funny is fun.