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A Simple List of Demands

I have always dreamed about my wedding. Not because I’m excited to sign away my right to make independent decisions, but because everybody has to pay attention to me (us). I think this is why I look for people who remind me of myself when I go out on my search for sexual/romantic partners – I worry that if somebody is too different than me that they won’t agree to all of my wedding demands. Here are some of those demands:

1. Everybody will walk down the aisle in order to get to their seat.

2. They will walk down in some format that shows their personality (I had this idea way before that stupid youtube wedding dance video that was terribly choreographed).

3. People will be paired up based on who I/we think is the parallel group member in each other’s friend clique.

4. Vows may take longer than an hour.

5. Toasts will take longer than 3 hours.

6. This is because every member of the wedding will have to make a toast in story form.

7. I/we will have multiple outfits for different parts of the wedding.

8. There will be stunt doubles.

9. There may be a fake location that turns into a scavenger hunt to find where the wedding is.

10. There will be an easter egg hunt.

11. No wedding cake – Wedding pie. Multiple layers = multiple flavors.

12. There will be a slideshow with cheesy music displaying pictures from our lives that will then turn into a prediction slide show with snapshots from the wedding included and then snapshots from the future that will first show the demise of our marriage and then edge over into the realm of science fiction with snapshots of the failure of our dystopian governmental system with the arrival of our alien overlords. Also there will be clips of famous oscar winning movies spliced in.

13. I/we will stage a divorce.

14. I would like a pool to be involved.

15. Somebody should be on mescaline.

16. There will be an awards ceremony at the end of the wedding where I/we will give out awards to our wedding enjoyers for best gift, best toast, best dress, best date, best faux-paux, best fake accent, best dance, best hair, creepiest flirt attempt, horniest, most awkward person to show up, person who didn’t get that their invite was just an extension of an olive branch and not actually an invitation, etc.

17. The bride’s friends/family and my friends/family will have to compete in a series of competitions including, but not limited to trivia, 3-on-3 basketball, shuffleboard, ping-pong, fort-building, drinking games, badminton, and a lengthy obstacle course.

18. An Indian/Mexican buffet.

19. One bathroom for the bride and groom, and one bathroom for the rest of the attendants.

20. The bride will be somebody I paid to help me complete this dream and there will be no legally binding marriage occurring that day.

Anybody know someone down for these ideas? Once I/we have the money, I’ll let them propose to me.


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