Attention Whoring, Horny, Lonely

The Comedy of Cumming

When I was 17 I had a girlfriend. We were on the phone once during a week we were unable to see each other much.

“Sometimes I’m thinking about you at work and I just have to chew on ice.”

“Yeah I get bored at work too and I love chewing.”

I have always had a hard time understanding when people are interested in my sexually. It seems to make very little sense to me that someone would want my penis near them. It’s hard because I’m not typically bad at reading people and their intentions – in fact I’m ridiculously good at it, but the idea of a woman desiring my hairily awkward advances clouds my ability to judge.

My first two girlfriends broke up with me because I didn’t have sex with them and one in college called me out on her radio show once we broke up for not having sex with her enough. None of this was because I didn’t want to penis-bang them. This was because I was so worried about forcing my monotonous thrusting and early ejaculation upon them. I’m much more confident in forcing my monotonous stories and pathetic punchlines.

I feel like there are three categories of relationships. In one you have the desire to make the other person laugh – these are what are typically described as friends. In another you have the desire to make the other person cum – these are one night stands, bad relationships, and week long romps. In the last you want to make the person laugh and cum – these are the people that we marry. Of course, I don’t believe in monogamy so each of these groups can and should be just as populated. My problem is that I tend to believe that people want to shove me into that first group, and I like equality so I push them back into that first group. This is very easy to me because laughing and cumming are nearly synonymous. Making people laugh and cum is the same to me as someone who laughs at double my jokes.

I guess my desired profession is prostitute, but I need a microphone to do my business.

Because I like shoving large phallic objects into holes.

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