comedy, Selfish

Text Massage

I got married to my comedy partner and divorced in the same show. Then I went out drinking. Then went home at 2am to pack up and leave again on a train to get on a plane to go to Minnesota for two actual weddings. I am in Minnesota now.

This last week has been hectic, which has led to me forgetting to find a place to stay or a ride from the airport that I landed at 8am in this morning. I quickly texted all my friends still in the twin cities including a girl who has changed her number since I last had it.

Here’s how the text message conversation went:

Me: Just got into town, call when ur up if you wanna chilldown

Her: Who is this

Me: H2$

Her: No really. Who’s this

Me: This is H2$. Is this Syreeta?

Her: No. I have no idea who nissie is

Me: ok, sorry, person must have switched numbers

Then I realized that this was an excellent opportunity to fuck with this dickwad who couldn’t spell my name despite it being spelled for him

Me: do you wanna hang out anyway? Im in minnesota.

Her: What! How did u get my number. How can I. I live in Indiana

Me: Let’s meet up halfway. Chicago in 3 hrs. Lets meet at the pizza place across from the field museum

Her: Why would I do that when I have NO IDEA WHO YOU ARE!!!

Me: it seems like we would get along. I know a bunch of us are playing outdoor bocce on wednesday, if u want to come

Me (Con’t): Ill bring the weed. ūüėČ

Her: U r different

Her (Con’t): Where do u go to school *Presumptive*

Me: Dude, you know me, i always said school was for sissies, and I stick by my guns

Her: No. I don’t know u. Are u a boy or a girl

Me: also, before I forget, check out the article on shark week in the huffington post. Its your two favorite things – nature videos and liberal propoganda

Her: I hate those things!!!!

Me: I guess i was confusing you with someone fun. Ill see you at coffee news! Lol

The impersonability that technology has left us with is fun and hilarious.

One of the kitchen staff at work asked me to write a nice text message to this girl he met on the subway because he didn’t speak English well enough. This is what I said:

When I cry it smells like I imagine it would smell like to make love to you.


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