comedy, Indignant, Socialism


Competition doesn’t just frustrate and frighten me. Competition shuts me down. When I am in a situation where someone else wants me to compete, I actively try to be the worst.

Part of this is because I love defying norms so much that I will actively pursue the opposite action of what is expected me. Part of this is because competition is a terrible driving force. When one gets competitive, one desires the failure of others. Thats stupid. You’re stupid. This blog entry is stupid. I’m gonna take it down a different path.

There is a standup comedian performing in the back of the restaurant I’m sitting in who still thinks that all Black people say: “Say What?!”

He’s really bad and stupid and racist.

I’m not sure which pisses me off most. Obviously the racism is worst, but how influential is that racism? None. None influential. Nobody is looking to him for an understanding of how to live their life because nobody wants to be a 45 year old bald man screaming “Say What?!” in the back of smelly cafe. How influential is his stupid? A little. The fact that he’s stupid might make people frustrated because they want to teach him. His badness is really influential. His badness is awful. I have to listen to him. I have to hear how bad he is. He is affecting my environment.

I am so much better of a comedian than him.

I win.

Lazy, Socialism

Glenn Beck is a Socialist?

Glenn Beck hates the cancer that is progressivism. He doesn’t want the wealth spread around. He also doesn’t like when people make money through capitalism and then give it to their children. So, what he wants is people to get rich and control the market, but then not keep any of that money. It’s too confusing to talk about. I don’t understand his beliefs any more – his hypocrisies are too numerous to think about.

Hungry, Socialism


I enter nearly every bodega nowadays. It’s because it’s 100 degrees nowadays. It’s because bodegas are filled with cold drinks nowadays. It’s because I like fun drinks.

When I was in college, one “event” we used to do would be to “go get fun drinks.” This involved trips to the Tea Garden or SA (bodega of the midwest) and having long staring sessions with coolers that had more colors than Joseph marching in a gay pride parade on Rainbow Road. I would finally decide on a bright color that had the most fruits listed in a row and take my first sip only to realize that I just got the same shitty sugar water I got last time with different packaging.

I got an orange Gatorade the other day. Who made that? That shit is worse than Cheeseburger Doritos. Take something that is somewhat necessary in this heat when I am constantly dehydrated and then give it a nice semen dripping out of asshole taste. Fuck the inventor of that flavor (Cheeseburger Doritos are bad by the way because they taste exactly like a cheeseburger made into a Dorito).

Why do I always make the wrong choice? Because there isn’t a good choice. All the good choices were taken away because they weren’t profitable. Fuck capitalism. It’s the reason we have so much shit food that makes me shit food. It makes wiping feel like some sort of chore because meals just exited my rectum. It makes me need to shower just to clean it up.

comedy, Gender, Indignant, Media, My favorites, race, Socialism

Conservative Bureaucracy

America’s Got Talent might be the worst show to ever exist. When I say that, I don’t mean that it is the least entertaining (According to Jim got 8 years of television time), and I don’t mean to say that it is badly produced (It is, but that’s not my point). I mean to say that is the most actively harmful show to ever be in America.

As Lady Gaga is finally proposing weirdness as a goal worth aspiring to in the pop culture world and Taylor Swift offering the opposite – a boring cliched approximation of what other’s have already said, but this time as a different overly small white chick – we have to start taking sides. This is more than (but definitely somewhat influenced by) sexism, and racism – but this is at it’s heart a battle for or against change. By letting ourselves fall into society’s booby trap of xenophobia we are accepting our world the way it is despite the fact that all good things have come from changing to something new. (Great article about how shitty Taylor Swift is)

I find it interesting that anti change is at the center of all of the talking points of the right:

1. Keep marriage the same as it has been.

2. Keep poor people poor, and rich people rich (aka- capitalism).

3. Keep women in the kitchen and the bedroom.

4. Keep people of color in different neighborhoods so that we don’t have to look/be scared of them.

5. Evolution doesn’t exist.

I guess this isn’t interesting, but rather obvious. Liberalism is defined as desiring change, and Conservatism is wanting things to stay the same, but it frustrates me that people can buy into Conservatism. How can anyone feel like the best thing to have happen is to have nothing new happen?!? Fuck our world.

Fuck America’s Got Talent.

This guy gets on and is doing something weird. Something new. Something possibly shitty, but possibly really interesting. They don’t even let him do his thing because they don’t like new talents, they like cute white boys pretending to be urban and aspiring to shitty shallow morals because it’s less dangerous when the kid’s dad is a CPA. The show demands that we only like things we’ve already seen before. And it tricks it’s fans into thinking that. It’s fans are mindless citizens of a dystopian future where no one is allowed to voice creativity unless they fill out the appropriate paperwork to make sure it fits some structure of creativity that has been previously determined acceptable. It’s interesting that liberals are the ones who get accused of being too into bureaucracy, when it’s conservatives who are demanding a form of social and cultural bureaucracy that is all encompassing, and that’s not as obvious.

comedy, Socialism

I Get Paid for What?

I’m gonna get on a subway, go to some woman’s house, and spend an hour with her explaining that adding negative numbers is the same as subtracting. I’m gonna walk away with $45.

I’ve spent weeks rehearsing, discussing, advertising and writing/re-writing what I think is a brilliant sketch show that analyzes sex, bodies, grossness, and me sucking tits. It’s really fucking clever and smart and every other good adjective I can come up with. I will make far less than $45.

People don’t respect comedy. No comedy movie wins at the Oscars, yet it is the hardest art to create. It is the only art where you are forced to get a reaction at the time of presenting it, otherwise you’ve failed. Nobody watches a comedy, sits stoically throughout and then goes home and says “I think I can see where they were coming from, that was really great.” If you weren’t laughing, it wasn’t succeeding. And yet, laughter can’t be the point. Good comedy means you were presenting something interesting, something relatable, something that will cause people to think, but as a side note you are forcing a guttural reaction from your audience. No other art has as hard a task, yet comedy still refuses to be acknowledged as difficult.

We’re charging $10/ticket ($7 online) and that is the most we have ever or will ever charge. Theatery plays get to charge $20-40 a ticket. An hour of me telling you that standard deviation and standard error are different costs $45. This world doesn’t understand what’s difficult. I think we still pay people to do the things that we don’t want to do. We all want to do comedy, we all want to make people laugh, so we refuse to admit that what people are doing is too hard for us. No one has any desire to discuss the normal curve or research Brechtian methods of dealing with a monologue about homosexuality in the 1950s, so we pretend that the reason we don’t do it is because it’s too hard.

It’s always been my problem with teaching math. I never feel like I’m doing anything because most of my job is just therapist – convincing the person that they can do math and that they should try. Well, I’m taking the opposite approach with comedy. You can’t do comedy, it’s really fucking hard. All those people that have been laughing at your jokes are just being polite, and weird voices are not actually funny.

I feel like I can blame this on capitalism somehow.

Indignant, Socialism

I Guess I’m Okay With Capitalism

First of all, you should all check out my real writing gig and like it or share it or digg it or tweet it or shirk it or jazz it or starburst it or whatever.

Secondly people hate getting made fun of. People like getting supported. People think these are in opposition. They are not. In my ideal world (aka: THE ideal world) everybody would get supported and made fun of. No, everybody would take insult as a form of support. I’ve said before that I my desire for attention does not often spill over into a desire to be liked. If people are paying attention to the fact that I’m talking/doing/being that is compliment enough and they need not show their support with facebook comments like: “YAY!!!” or “I ❤ U” or “Whooo! Good! Positive!” I’m not saying that I hate that. I love hearing that people like my stuff too, I’m just saying that that isn’t the point (Except when I’m getting paid sort of based on how much people tweet/like/starburst my stuff).

Criticism is great. I love being told the flaws in what I do – sometimes it pushes me to do better, sometimes it pushes me further toward the thing that was supposedly hated, but either way it pushes me and I like to push it. Which reminds me that I am abnormally attracted to Salt-N-Pepa.

My last entry was about how I hated pretty much all of my friends because they are posers who only pretend to like the World Cup because it has the word “World” in it. Take it as a compliment because at least I’m paying attention to you. This is the one thing I like about capitalism: That buying something is your mark of support, not telling people you like it. You can buy something and pretend you hate it, but you are still supporting the creator with your purchase. Capitalism fucks over irony.

Hungry, Socialism


In middle school I loved Subway. It was the only chain restaurant that I was allowed to go to and I enjoyed the fuck out of it so much that it was incapable of an erection – it could no longer fuck, it makes sense, shut up. Subway was so good because it offered the opportunity to put whatever vegetables I wanted into the most amazing invention using sliced bread.

When I was in 7th grade they did away with the triangle cut. The triangle cut was the way Subway operated. They cut a triangle out of the bread, put all the ingredients in the new hole and then put the bread back on top for you to eat or discard or eat and discard. They moved to a method where they boringly sliced through the middle.

This is when I first realized that I hated capitalism.

It didn’t matter how many sauces they added to their menu – how many condiments I got to choose from, it mattered that they had resorted to a much worse method of sandwich making because it was cheaper, it was easier, and it was cheaper. Cheap. Fuck cheap. I would pay an extra dollar for a triangle cut. I want a good sandwich, but this wasn’t about what I wanted. This was about what they wanted – the ungrateful, stupid public. Fuck the public. If you like the way you make a sandwich, make it that way.

I had Subway yesterday and I liked it, but it would have been better with a triangle cut. I try to not eat as subway as often as possible, I used to try to eat at subway as often as possible.

Indignant, Media, Socialism

Conservative Dystopia

I went to college and for five years lived in the 4th congressional district of Minnesota. Our representative was the very alright Betty McCollum. She is a democrat who has done very little interesting in her time. One of the districts next door to us is represented by the very awesome Keith Ellison who has gotten arrested for marching in protests while a congressperson, and is one of the few liberals to ever get on Glenn Beck’s CNN show, where he got insulted racially and kept his cool. The other is represented by #1 crazy person: Michele Bachmann. I read Bachmann’s blog. I can’t get through the poorly written, horribly interpreted quotations of AP articles, and demands that we pray more in order to stop gays from feeling human, but I love checking out the advertisements. The adverts range from annoying but probably harmless to extremely misleading and frightening. Make no mistake, these are propaganda in the form of advertisement.

One of these ads led me down a path that led to this anti-abortion movie.

The argument presented in the trailer is that Planned Parenthood is an organization out for profit and therefore in order to make money they need to get kids to abort their children so therefore we need to make abortions illegal. Overturning Roe vs. Wade will not stop abortions, and if they were truly demanding that Planned Parenthood should not be striving for abortions, then they should be arguing for federal funding – arguing that these establishments should not be seeking profit, but instead get a set amount no matter how many abortions they complete.

This is the confusing hypocrisy of the conservative movement. They are constantly arguing that the rights of companies and the rights of government are negatively correlated – that is to say that if the government has more rights over you, than the free market has no rights and visa versa. They are also quick to assert that with this power that our government gives us comes an excess of propaganda being shoved down our throats. This stands to reason that if we give the free market a full chance as many Michele Bachmanns argue, then we’d be giving corporations the opportunity to shove propaganda down our throat. This is seen in the advertisements that show up on Bachmann’s and other conservative’s blogs.

I tend to agree that free-market and government oppose each other, but that’s part of the beauty of our system. I would prefer we rely harder on the government side of things than most because we have a voting system and therefore can vote out of office people we don’t like whereas money stays with the person who has it and we can’t rely on Robin Hoods to pull that propaganda power away from the rich. I understand, however, that in America most people would prefer to strike a balance. This balance is meant to cancel each other out. This balance is meant to keep both the conglomerate corporations and the government in check so that neither can be the only voice of propagandizing.

What frustrates me about this Tea-Party movement is that they constantly complain about the propaganda that is supposedly being rammed into their esophagus by Obama and his minions, yet they want to open up the laws to let the markets fully decide everything. Advertisement is propaganda. They are literally the same thing. Pay attention to your views conservatives because soon we’ll all be wearing the same clothes:

we’ll all read the same books:
and we’ll all have the same political beliefs:
and that’s a true dystopian dictatorship, not “ObamaCare.”
Happy Birthday Will.
Horny, Lazy, Socialism

Your Imagination

I don’t know my roommate well. I choose not to know him well. He owns four copies of Ayn Rand’s Atlas Shrugged, has said that he doesn’t believe women should be allowed to vote, and gets so angry when he loses at Halo that he has punched a hole in the wall. My point is that we don’t relate on much. The funniest thing he does though is that he constantly talks to himself. He’s a law school student and a fireman so everyday he’ll get into an argument with someone that he thinks should have gone differently. This means he needs to reiterate over and over that that person is a moron while pacing from the kitchen to his room and explaining how somehow their line of reasoning leads to a country overrun with prostitution and drug-gambling. Which, he wants to point out is not necessarily a bad thing, but he just wants this imaginary person that he is yelling at while brandishing the whisk he is supposed to be washing to admit that this is the conclusion that they need to come to if they believe that providing backup plans for our least fortunate is worthwhile.

He’s been on a tear this morning while I sit in my bed half heartedly jerking off to people I’ve seen in the past couple months. It really kills the mood.

I just want to touch myself and imagine the people I’ve seen clothed without their clothes, but now these imaginary naked women who are riding me keep screaming at me in a Staten Island accent about how Equality is just a word that means people don’t work hard enough.

Imagination is a wonderful tool. As an only child who grew up in rural Maine, I feel as though mine is one of the more vivid imaginations, but imagination is meant to be in your mind. When I talk to myself, I may gesticulate wildly by accident, and even mumble things under my breath, but I do not force my fucked up mind-journeys onto others because they need the opportunity to have their own imagination. And that is true equality.

True equality is not fucking with my vague attempts at masturbation.

Gender, Indignant, Socialism

A Woman’s Right to Get Drunk and Big Government

So, let’s start with this, and realize that I’m gonna make it about socialism.

It feels like every other week there is some other bucket of doucheliquid claiming that date rape is the woman who gets raped’s fault, and this one isn’t all that different. The big difference is that he is a homosexual and at the end of the video he says: “In the real world there are risks, there are dangers, and as adults we have to be responsible for the situations we put ourselves in. … I’m a gay man. In a perfect world I would be able to walk down a rural Mississippi neighborhood holding a guy’s hand. In the world that I live in, I know that this is risky behavior.”

This makes me sad.

Let me try to elucidate what his point is (which is the same point every other inflammatory woman hater who wrote an article in his school newspaper because he thinks some girl is being annoying to his male friend who tried to get her too drunk to say no). He believes that since women are physically weaker than men for the most part and we live in a society that demands that males have the obligation to make the first move in a heterosexual relationship that when a woman gets too sloppy drunk to be able to defend herself properly, she is putting herself in a vulnerable position. If you combine that with a woman who talks to men and likes to flirt, she is bound to have a guy think that she wants to get with him, but since she can’t make the first move the agency falls on the man. Therefore it is not necessarily acceptable, but understandable when the man gets confused and tries to get with her against her will.

Ok, so lets get the easily problematic elements out of the way and then we will talk about socialism. First of all, this implies that men have absolutely no control over their desires to have sex, and once they start they can’t stop attempting to penetrate. Secondly, this attempts to say that rape is a product of two people as opposed to one, but then pushes all the blame onto the woman. Thirdly, it implies that rape is a product of two people, yet admits fully that men are given all sexual agency in our society. If you are given full agency, you are also given full responsibility.

He’s a gay man who, despite the fact that he completely misunderstands rural southern towns, is fearful of the people in our country who don’t like him or his choices. His reaction to that is to hide and say, “well, I guess I’ll just look for people who like me better.” That’s boring and makes him a worthless human being. Good humans see problems with the world and they speak out against them. Which is funny, because that’s exactly what he thinks he’s doing. He thinks he’s speaking for the underrepresented mis-accused date-rapists – attempting to change college culture so that women can’t get drunk instead of speaking up for gay people so that they can hold hands in rural Mississippi. I think he chose a stupid battle. Though he did get on the Early Show, so maybe he’s smarter than I am.

Here’s the big problem. We can say that there are two options: we can accuse a couple men of rape when they did nothing wrong, or accuse a lot of women of being crazy when they had horrible life changing experiences. The choice seems obvious unless you just don’t care about women having rights. One of the main arguments against growing government is that it is easier to take advantage of the government than it is to take advantage of a business out for profit – that fraud ends up costing the American people oodles of money. This may be accurate. The other option is that we open it up to free market and what we see is that when the people who control stuff are out for money as opposed to popularity (which is what democratically elected officials insure) then they find ways to screw over people on a mass scale (Madoff, Enron, etc…) I would much rather live with a couple of “welfare-queens” buying fake nails with their food checks than a couple high powered executives starting wars that kill millions so that they can post better profits in their weapon sector.

The point is that you will always be able to find shitty people on both sides of any argument, you just have to decide which shitty people you are more comfortable with getting their way.