Gender, Indignant, Socialism

Glenn Beck Mad Lib

Ever want to rant like Glenn Beck? Well now you can, with my Glenn Beck mad lib. Just like real madlibs it won’t make sense, but then again, neither do his supporters. This is a literal quote from one of his supporters on his own show about what the passing of health care means to the tea party protests: “I think the veil has been taken away and it’s been set on fire.” I don’t understand what any of that means, and neither does the guy who said it. Anyway, here you go:

Good evening America. I welcome you and, and I think that today is important, I mean that today’s show is really important for you because this __(Issue in the news)__ is about to destroy America. We’ve been doing research all morning, I just found out that, and we’ve been on the internet all day, I just found out that we’re being run by __(socialists/communists/maoists/minorities)__. I know it sounds crazy. They’re going to say “Glenn Beck you’re a __(random string of letters in a funny voice)__.”

Well, maybe I am, but if I am then how come nobody tells me I’m wrong.

We hear everyday from the __(Media/Elite/Jews)__ that everybody thinks I’m wrong with my crazy ideas, but let’s look at the facts.

I was gonna show you what’s behind this __(Opaque object)__ today, but I just got so scared after what I’ve been reading. You know, I didn’t know this before today, but I was on the internet reading about __(Latest Democrat in the News)__ and do we not see, America, who this person is?! You know I have __(kids/a tractor/a love of Christ/alcoholism)__ and they/it told me __(folksy words that don’t make sense)__. Now I.. (become overwhelmed by emotion and look at a spot down and to the right of the camera). (With newfound energy) I just don’t want that America to disappear, and I think that if we allow __(latest Democrat in the News)__ to continue __(being in office/living/raping our children)__, then that America won’t exist for my __(kids/tractor/brothers in Christ/alcoholism)__.

As I said, there was something important behind this __(opaque object)__, and I really wanted to show you it today, but I can’t in good conscience let this go after I found it out. I need to let the American people know. Let’s just start… can we play that clip of __(latest dem)__? (Roll clip of democrat talking about sharing/civil rights/a fun story of a time they were at college/how they don’t believe in lighting poor people on fire). Now I watched this and I thought __(Huh?/What?/Funny face)__. That sounds a lot like __(Mao/Marx/Hitler/Genghis Kahn/Roger the Rabbit/Patient Zero of the HIV virus)__. So I went searching and it turns out that this politician once __(passed tense activity)__ with __(professor at elite school that “real” people don’t go to)__ and were quoted as saying that “they liked the thought process of (ellipses that cuts out real meaning behind quote) __(philosopher only philosophy majors study)__.” You know who that is? Of course you don’t because your not __(sounds like a frog gets lodged in your windpipe while making googly eyes)__.

The thing is they are __(Communist/Socialist/Marxist/Fascist/Hetronormative(jk))__. These “progressives” as they call themselves think they know what to do with your __(money/time/life/penis)__. Well America, we can’t let them anymore. We can’t let them tell us what to do with our __(money/time/penis)__! I need you to go outside and tell them because they won’t listen, just tell them that you should have a voice in what happens with your __(money/penis)__! Tell them that this is America and in America we get to choose what we do with our penis!

I’m sorry. I just. I just love my penis sooo much. And I fear for it.

I was doing research through the __(socially funded institution)__ and I found out what they don’t want us to know. When the writers of our constitution wrote our constitutions  they wrote that they hated socially funded institutions.  I talked about this on my radio show and I will talk about it again on my tv show tomorrow, but how do we get away from this __(Maoist/Marxist/Rapist of America)__? We get out of it by buying __(sponsor’s product)__.  You see if we all buy _(sponsor’s product)__ then we’ll all have a little piece of – you know I was talking to __(white person’s name)__ and he told me – Oh no! I know that people will be playing this over and over calling me __(a racist/violent/a fucknugget)__ – I just think that all __(politicians/democrats/non white people)__ are trying to kill __(children/the elderly/your mother)__. Now they’re gonna say, (in a Russian Kermit voice) “but Glenn you don’t have any evidence.”

OK. So, I don’t. But the constitution says that I get to call people liars if I disagree with them. And it says that my penis is big, so that must be true too. Because I said it.

Lonely, My favorites, Socialism

Diaries of a Douche (Pt. 2)

It continues. This time capitalism is douchey.

He sits down with his head down and his chin downer. When the waitress comes he knows his order. Gumbo, orange juice. He orders OJ at a bar/grille not because he doesn’t drink alcohol, but because he wants to maintain the image that his job is not doable with alcohol. His job involves catching statistical anomalies in order to increase sales by finding what causes these anomalies. Most of the time, the anomalies are due to holidays. He can’t create holidays, though he has suggested it to his higher-ups. He describes his job as “catching statistical anomalies” because that sounds important. His job involves circling numbers on a chart that look different than the other numbers on that chart. His job is a game of “which of these things doesn’t look like the others.” His orange juice is finished in two gulps because he’s a man, and his gumbo is eaten methodically and the plates are stacked neatly when he is finished with them because he’s a grown up.

Every weekend he grows his facial hair out only to shave on Monday morning because he “doesn’t like the way it looks.” He likes the way it looks on Sunday night. Monday morning he sees other people.

While he’s eating his gumbo his charts get pushed to the right side, but his eyes keep wandering to the businessman to his left who is analyzing an excel sheet. Man, he misses it. It’s been less than a minute, but it’s been less than a minute too long. The businessman with the excel sheet is now more interesting because he has charts in front of him. Charts are interesting because charts imply money, and money implies power, and power implies success.

The bearded boy in front of him aggravates him becaue his hair isn’t tamed and his shirt has too many patterns. Untamed hair and untamed patterns don’t imply success. These things are things he doesn’t like because neither does society.

Gender, Socialism

My Attempts

I’ve recognized that I have a hard time liking something without liking it for its feminist or socialist implications. Here I will attempt to find five things I really like despite my inability to fabricate some deeper feminist or anti-capitalist propaganda in its motives. The opposite doesn’t count either. In other words here is a list of my favorite things that in no way include Lady Gaga, Beyonce, any sketch comedy, or Biz Markie, movie trailers for Jenifer Aniston movies, or conservative talk shows.

5. TRIDENT32. Really I like McSweeneys, but I’m sure I could find some post that I could misinterpret into having to do with a post modern feminist dystopian understanding of or gender constructs. This one I can’t. This one is very funny. I like proof that stupidity exists. Not like ignorant and hurtful stupid, but rather just stupid. It provides perspective on things. We all exist in the same world, and we’re all the same animal, shouldn’t that mean that I am genetically similar to TRIDENT32? It reminds me I’m genetically similar to all humans, including the ones that hate gays, blacks and women. So I have to educate them. This list of internet comments is reminds me that the battle has not been won and there is much education to be done before people understand the validity of a feminist socialist world. GODDAMNIT!

4. Misadventures and cool technology. How did I never find out about this movie? I love museums! I love I-Max shit! I love 3D shit! I love even more than all of that misadventures. In a misadventure nobody has any idea what will happen next. We are all at the whims of the world around us. In a true misadventure no one truly understands where they are, but is constantly attempting to know. This is what life should be about. Attempting to understand more. Attempting to learn more. Curiosity did not kill the cat, but rather curiosity is the reason the cat is no longer a kitten yet still retains its fun kitten traits. What a stupid phrase: “Curiosity killed the cat.” It’s also fucked up because the thing that curiosity kills is a feline (aka feminine animal). Curiosity only kills women, because we don’t want them to learn about the world because learning = freedom, and GODDAMMIT! Misadventures are feminist. Plus we’re all equal, we don’t have preconceived understandings of the world – we all start at the same place. Misadventures are socialist. GODDAMMIT!

3. Numbers. They describe so much. They can determine anything. Including why aliens don’t exist. Including why… ah shit, this isn’t going to work. Numbers are the reason I believe in taxes to help an economy. Numbers are another way we tell women they can’t control anything. We tell them that they are bad at numbers and then use numbers to confuse them after we don’t teach them numbers. This isn’t going well.

2. Feist’s music videos. She’s just so fucking uplifting and adorable and amazing and totally watchable. I did just use the word adorable, but that doesn’t demand that I rant about feminism, maybe. Her very easily but fully choreographed dances are danced with a mix of effortlessness and extreme concentration that is unmatchable and unexplainably entrancing. Just try to look away during a Feist music video and your eyes will explode because whatever you looked at instead of Feist was so much worse that your eyes will punish you for punishing them. Eyes are a very vengeful body-part. GODDAMNIT. It’s not the most obviously feminist video, but she still demands that you understand that a woman can love a one night stand as much as a man. And she defends one night stands as emotionally uplifting. I fucking love her. In a one night stand kind of way.

1. LOLcats. Just kidding. I hate lolcats, they are ruining our society. The real number one is beatboxing. If you didn’t click on the first link because you didn’t want to look at dumb pictures of cats with words spelled wrong, good, but you should click on it because it’s actually a video of this amazing beatboxer I saw last night at an open mic. He’s fucking incredible. And beatboxing is so fucking cool. I get that they are just the same sounds that you hear all the time just coming out of a person’s mouth this time, but it’s mesmerizing. Beatboxing creates this bond between audience and performer that no other art-form can do because the artist is up there with no tools different than what you have while you sit in your chair, but s/he is doing so much more with them. In essence it is the ultimate socialist argument. If we force all people to start with the same things, the real cream will rise to the top and give us beautiful music. GODDAMNIT!!!

I can’t do it.

Indignant, Socialism

Capitalism = Danger

I came to the Atlantic Center to see a car stuck in the middle of the intersection as the light changed. The car didn’t stall, they were just stupid and didn’t understand how intersections worked when they weren’t perfectly perpendicular roads that were intersecting. The light changed and cars started honking and cutting each other off and almost crashing into this one idiot paralyzed by their stupidity. I was entranced by this sight. There’s the phrase about how you just can’t look away from a car crash, but an even better one would be: “it’s impossible to look away from a car crash about to happen.” I stood in the rain on the sidewalk unable to cross the street because taking away any focus from this impending accident was not going to happen.

Here’s the thing though. The chorus of honks and annoyed screaming and cut offs could have easily been avoided. Sure it could have been easily avoided if the moron who decided the middle of the intersection was a good place to test out his parking break had just not existed, but let’s keep that in the equation. When the light changed, if everybody had just waited two seconds and let the driver in the middle find his away across the road then traffic would have flowed nicely and no horns would have needed to be blared.

This is why I believe in socialism.

I get it when people question why they should have to deal with a worse life because of some other idiot, but there is a very easy answer to that question: Because you are ruining other people’s life with your selfishness and it’s dangerous. If all the other drivers had wasted that two seconds of their lives because of that moron then the rest of the drivers that day would not have had to risk their lives attempting to squeeze in between a parked dumbnut and the SUV speeding by them. Same goes with money and taxes.

I get that you don’t want to give up your hard earned money to some poor junkie who fucked up their own life, but by doing so you are saving some innocent bystander who gets stabbed by said junkie during a mugging. I know that you don’t think you should have to fund a YMCA in Harlem when you live in Nashville, but maybe that will protect your daughter when she visits NYC and there are three times as many crack dealers on the streets because it was the only option for kids in high school.

Socialism isn’t simply about selflessness. It’s about that, but it’s also about keeping America safe. So, let’s all be honest and realize that fiscal conservatives are more dangerous to our safety than any terrorist.

Lazy, Selfish, Socialism

Running Away

I have a problem when I see trains. I always want to hop on and get off when the train comes to it’s complete stop on the other end. There’s a new place there that I am not at now with new adventures and new… everything. Stability is frightening.

I saw a guy biking around with a cigarette in his mouth and incense burning on his handlebars. He’s so anti-stability that he can’t even decide on a smell.

I respect him. He probably doesn’t have a job. Jobs force stability. Most jobs. That’s part of my desire to stay mostly unemployed at all times. The problem comes when I see homelessmen begging for change. At first I assume that unemployment and my living well within the means of a crazy person who doesn’t buy things only affects me, but then I realize that I don’t give them any money. This isn’t because I’m selfish, but because I really need every dollar I have to pay rent.

I could have a job though with real money. I could be getting significant cash every week, in which case I would probably spend about the same amount of money. But then I would be able to pay homelessmen. Instead I just run away from them.

Media, Socialism

Statistics, Lies, and Videotape

I wanted to major in statistics since I was in 4th grade. There’s something that’s always been fascinating to me about breaking down supposedly complicated questions and topics into neat little numbers. It’s made me hate when people say that statistics lie. No. Statistics don’t lie. People lie. This is basically the same argument as guns don’t kill people, people kill people. Of course I believe in gun control. That’s why I believe in statistics control. There is obviously one big difference – nobody’s kids accidentally get a hold of their parents’ statistics and blow their neighbor’s head off.

Statistics should be used freely by our world, but I think that any time someone wants to post a statistic, they should have to go through a rigorous moral background check that checks if they are a liar. Just like if you want to buy a gun you have to go through a check to make sure you aren’t a murderer. I think you should have the opportunity to lose your ability to provide statistics by lying too much.

One of those people that shouldn’t be allowed to use statistics to “prove” their point is my most youtubed man: Glenn Beck.

At 5:07 Beck shows a chart supposedly proving that Obama has increased spending far more than FDR did – you know the guy that went crazy with spending. Obama plans on spending between 22.8% and 25.4% of our gdp, which is actually the least since the late 60s. And is consistently less than during the Reagan years.

The gradually increasing rate of spending as proportional to our GDP isn’t far too complicated a concept for G.beck, he’s just a liar. He knows exactly what he’s doing. He’s creating fear by misusing our greatest resource: Statistics. He’s not misusing it. He’s lying.

Here’s statistics used well.

Gender, Indignant, Media, My favorites, Socialism

Super Bowl of Shit

Capitalism breeds sexism. Capitalism is the art of finding a way to tell somebody that they need something and then selling that thing for a price. What is an easy way to tell somebody that they need something? By telling them that people like them need it therefore they need it. Humans will inevitably relate to humans that look like them because sight is the strongest of our 5 senses so Capitalism tries to sell to you by putting people that look like you on screen and having them like the thing they are pitching. Therefore: Men like men things, women like women things. Really capitalism breeds binaries. And not the fun ones in the computer. Racial, gender, sexuality, etc. These binaries tell you that if you are one thing you also relate to a whole host of other things, and you can’t blame the companies for buying into these binaries because it’s good for business – if you can convince every man that he needs to drink Bud light to be a man then you sell a lot of beer.

Here we bunch together the idea that if you are a man, you must like bud light, and then for good measure we also tell you that you can’t like books and you really like boobs. There are about 16 commercials for every half hour of television so no matter how problematic a tv show might be, you aren’t forcefed it as often as commercials.

And here we get a laundry list of roles that we are supposed to abide by as men in a relationship so that we may in turn get the thing that we are supposed to want most as a man – their product. These are all super bowl ads. This is the day where capitalism reigns supreme and capitalism knows the demographic that is watching most heavily.

So then you say; “but if the demographic is already watching, aren’t they just continuing these binaries you hate so much as opposed to creating the.” You say that because you are stupid and no nothing of how humans work. Here we are even told what TV to watch as men so that next time you tune to that channel it’ll be easier for the advertisers to target their audience. It’s cyclical. Capitalism tells us what shows to watch and then advertises our products on those shows and then tells us to keep watching those shows within those advertisements.

So, how dangerous is this system? It’s just what we buy, right? If you were asking those questions, you are still stupid and you still smell like farting pubic hair. What happens next is that the people that own these tv channels get to become propaganda machines spewing out their opinions to specific demographics of people.

Capitalism is freedom? No. Capitalism is the act of creating dictators out of wealthy people.

Lazy, My favorites, Selfish, Socialism

How Useful Am I?

My friend wants me to write about this picture:

But he’s an idiot, and this is a dumb picture and I hate him.

Why do people think that I can be told what to write my blog about? I help this world through the tough times that this world forces upon us, and I need no advice on how to impart that help.

I’ve always thought that people should be paid not by how hard they work but how much they give to the society they are a part of. Half of this is because I don’t want to work hard, but half of this is because I think I provide for society more than nearly every random group of ten people combined. Whether through this blog, or on stage, or generally through my existence I have increased the joy and happiness of people in a way none of you have.

This is why I need to be famous. If I were famous I could help everybody as opposed to my close knit group of friends who are forced to listen to me. I want to spread my joy everywhere: it is a basic human right, just like food, shelter, and basic health. These should all be basic human rights. Not necessarily dog rights.

Sometimes I get annoyed with those people who are like “we need to help the people within our country before we help people in other countries,” but I think there is validity to their intentions. I still believe this is a very interconnected world and we should have compassion for all humans on this earth, but I don’t think that dogs and cats have the same rights as us. Even though Fluffy might have a bigger impact on you as a “doesn’t want to be single anymore woman living in a studio apartment in Kansas City who is too scared to sign up for an internet dating site” that doesn’t mean that Fluffy has a bigger impact on the world than Jeremy the homeless kid in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan. That kid has two parents and people that he can communicate with, hopes and dreams to aspire to, and opinions he can discuss. Fluffy waits for cans to be opened in order to eat, is only able to change people’s opinions through discussion if the person is persuaded by a someone listing one of the things that we lose through clear cutting (think about what a dog says), and would be lunch if he took a trip to Korea.

So, stop being so selfish and realize that I should get taxpayer money for my addiction to hulu and condiments, because my addictions are your pleasures.

Gender, Indignant, Socialism

The News

Since you all are very interested, I’m going to tell you what my opinions are on the big news stories of the past week.

1. Brown’s Republican Victory in MA.

It’s depressing to me that Coakley lost because she ran the campaign I always thought should be run. She didn’t want to shake hands or talk about the red sox and she was beat by a guy who posed naked in cosmo. That may seem like a cheap shot, but imagine if the genders were reversed. Some girl poses naked and wins an election? Some guy is hated because he acted annoyed with the frivolities of shaking hands? And this after all the claims of sexism throughout Hillary and Palin’s campaigns. Where were those people now?

2. Late Night Debacles.

This is why capitalism is so stupid. We’re concerned with the shittiest hour of television not because those shows are any good, but because they have to remain decent enough that people don’t switch the channel before they go to sleep and therefore wake up to that network’s morning show. If our television channels were all run by the government than we wouldn’t have this stupid competition where we are trying to line up television show so that we trick 50 year olds into accidentally watching the same channel for four hours. Plus Jay Leno is very unfunny.

3. Haiti

This is very hard to be funny about. I Hate-i it!

Gender, Socialism

Subway Writing 1

I write on the subway and I thought I’d share with you some of it (unedited) and then share with you my thoughts about my writing and what it says about me.

Two pigeons went to grab the same piece of bread. They then pecked at each other. Then they fought. They spent the rest of the time I waited for the subway lifting their wings and swirling their necks as they attempted to peck each other’s eyes out. Meanwhile another bird flew in and ate the piece of bread that they had been fighting over.

I hate when people blame shit on “human nature” or that “we are animals at heart.” This is what animals do. Shouldn’t we strive above that? The most common use of this is when talking about guys being aggressive and women being passive. I don’t mean the extreme cases, but more the concept that the man is the hunter and the woman the prey. When we just chalk up a man’s agency and woman’s lack thereof to animal instincts we are offering ourselves an excuse to not attempt to change. A change that would be beneficial – a change that wouldn’t keep us fighting while someone else ate the bread we could have shared.

My thoughts: I guess I can’t write without things turning into a rant relating socialism to gender norms. This also made me remember how when I was younger I had a hard time remembering the definitions of the word predator and prey. I always mixed them up. I think that that should have been the first sign that there was gender confusion to come. Maybe also the time that I asked my mom if she could help me shave my armpits so that I looked prettier in my purple jumpsuit.